


Xander and the Lying Bastard

by Baldur



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, F/M, Nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-21 20:44:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13748916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baldur/pseuds/Baldur
Summary: Xander wins a bet and gets to pick the Halloween costumes for both the Scoobies and the Cordettes.





	1. Chapter 1

Xander and the Lying Bastard

Disclaimer: I’m neither Joss Whedon nor Larry Niven and I own none of their toys.  
Author’s Note: This was written in reply to the “Ship of the Line” Challenge on another fan fiction site. If anyone has read the book Ringworld by Larry Niven it's from that book and I think it qualifies eminently as a ship of the line.  
I wish to thank Oxnate, Milamber, and Cassy for their help with this story.

 

Chapter One  
Xander hated Junior year math class for many reasons. One of the big ones was that he couldn’t sit with his friends, Buffy and Willow. The teacher assigned everyone seats and did his best to ensure no one was near anyone they were likely to gossip with or help on a test. It’s how he ended up between Larry the Caveman and Cordelia, the Queen of the school. Another reason was that he tended to suck at it and Cordelia always taunted him when she did better than him on a test.

Granted he never tried very hard, despite prodding from his best friend. He was certain that no amount of effort would alter his fate after high school. There had never been a Harris who went to college and he doubted he’d be the first. He just wished Cordelia would shut up about it. She was currently talking about the upcoming test and how she was certain she’d do better than him. He was tuning her out to think about possible costumes he could wear for Halloween on his budget when he had an idea.

“Why not put your money where your mouth is if you’re so certain?” Xander said.

“What are you talking about, loser?” Cordelia replied. “And how dare you interrupt me when I’m informing you of your shortcomings?”

“I mean if you are so certain you’ll score than me on the next test then let’s bet on it,” Xander said.

“What do you have that’s worth betting?” she replied with one perfectly plucked eyebrow raised.

Xander grinned, “Dignity. If I score higher than you I get to pick your Halloween costume and if you win I’ll wear whatever you decide. Sound interesting Queen C?”

She thought about it, trying to consider all the pros and cons. If she won she could not only throw it in his face that she had beat his score and was more than just a pretty face. Despite not trying he usually managed to score at least an 80%. Probably only due to Rosenberg but still he did it. If he had to explain his costume by saying it was because she beat him on a test that would be satisfying. She wasn’t a nerd or techie but you needed brains in business too and she wanted her reputation to be more than just another pretty cheerleader, or even another cheer captain. 

On the minus side losing to ‘Loser Harris’ would sting and she’d have to wear something of his choosing. If it was one of the jocks she’d just say no in a heartbeat because the costume would probably be illegal to wear out in public in most states. The nerd brigade usually had fantasies about comic book women though. Jesse had made more than one drawing of her as Wonder Woman before he’d disappeared. That sort of thing she could handle. She’d look awesome in that costume if she did say so herself and spandex was her friend as well. 

“Alright loser,” she replied. “But when you lose you have to tell anyone who asks about your costume that you’re wearing it because I beat your score in a math test capisce?”

Xander nodded, “Yeah, I got it.” He decided not to try and ask her to do the same. Seeing her in the costume as she escorted munchkins around for Herr Snyder would be win enough for him. He held out his hand and she snorted.

“As if! I don’t want to get any loser on me,” she said. “Just remember our bet when we get our tests back.”

He pulled his hand back and started trying to decide what the most humiliating costume would be.

Unfortunately for Willow, she told Buffy about the bet in order to explain why Xander was at her house every night studying instead of patrolling. This had left Buffy feeling cranky because not having either of their company made the night patrol seem longer and lonelier. So when Harmony, of all people, made a snide remark about Xander’s intelligence she snapped and offered to expand the bet to include the two of them.

“If Xander loses this bet,” she declared. “Then Willow and I will wear Cordelia’s choice of costumes as well if you and Aura will agree to wear Xander’s choice if he defeats your precious queen.”

Before Willow could manage to say anything coherent the deal had been struck and everyone in the corridor had heard.

Harmony smiled, “Deal! If Xander wins he picks all six costumes and if Queen C wins she picks all six.”

Buffy wanted to say that this was NOT the deal she’d had in mind but looking at Harmony’s outstretched hand and all the students watching she had no real choice. She made sure she was smiling and shook Harmony’s hand, “Deal!”

Needless to say, Xander was happy when he heard about this and Aura was not. Aura didn’t want to seem to be lacking faith in her captain so she just grinned and said, “I’m sure you’ll win Cordy.”

Unfortunately for Cordelia waiting the extra week for the test results meant that Party Town was sold out and only the new store still had costumes. Even more unfortunately for her when Willow had heard about the bet she had taken it as a personal challenge. She tutored him in math every night until the test, even on the weekend, and in the end, Xander got a score that was far higher than Cordelia's.

When they got their tests back it seemed the whole class was waiting for the results and the teacher was surprised at the cheers and boos Xander got when he said, “Ninety-eight percent! In your face math!”

His good mood was a little dampened as he walked to Ethan’s shop with five girls who were all upset to some degree. To his surprise and dismay talking about how cool spandex was didn’t cheer up either Willow or Buffy. It made Cordelia smile instead. Xander told himself that all girls were weird and he was inherently incapable of understanding even ones he’d known all his life.

Once in the store, all the girls turned to look at Xander, and he gulped, nervous under their combined scrutiny. 

"Well you won so you get to pick all our costumes," Cordelia said. She folded her arms and started tapping one foot. "I'll wait by the cashier to see what you come up with and pay for it."

When he came back with six costumes she raised one eyebrow and smirked, "Leather?" Then she snorted, "Give me that! I want to make sure it's real leather because I refuse to wear vinyl or any other sort of fake."

He passed it over with a smile, "It's real Cordy. I've helped my uncle Rory too many times not to know leather when I feel it."

Cordelia checked the price while Buffy stroked the leather. "Ooh! It's so soft," Buffy cooed.

"Hey, tea drinker!" Cordelia called out. "Are these prices correct?"

"All prices are as listed Ms. Chase," replied an unfamiliar voice in a familiar accent. "I'm happy to see you again. How are your dear father and mother?"

"Ew," Harmony said. "You know the shopkeeper?"

"He had to meet with my father before setting up," Cordelia said. "Daddy is head of the chamber of commerce you know."

"Ah," the Cordette said. "Okay, then."

Cordelia turned to Xander, "Leather pants and vests dweeb? I can practically see the fantasy this came from and I'm not impressed." Actually, she was kind of impressed. She'd been expecting something much skimpier and he'd actually managed to find a good bargain as well.

Xander put the last of the costumes on the counter, "Hey, I could have picked a lot worse than this. In fact, I still can, there were these chainmail bikinis that said they were Valkyrie costumes ..."

Willow eeped at the idea of wearing a bikini in public and Buffy scoffed at the idea of one made of chainmail.

Cordelia briefly considered agreeing just to see if Rosenberg would actually faint at the idea, but instead, she just nodded, "Fair enough." She looked at the owner, "Ring'em up and put them on my card."

Ethan Rayne had also been hoping for skimpier clothing but shrugged mentally and made the sale. It wasn't as if he'd had to actually purchase anything after all. A few hours and the sacrifice of some dice once rolled in Vegas by Bugsy himself and he'd had stock. It was a very eclectic group of costumes but they all came labeled so he'd just needed to add prices. It was pure profit and there would be lovely chaos for afters. He couldn't wait to see what the label on the costumes had meant when it said "The crew of the Lying Bastard."

The girls all got dressed at Willow’s house. Her parents were gone and they were unanimous in wanting none of their parents to see them together. In his bedroom alone Xander pulled the leather vest over his favorite Hawaiian shirt. He wondered exactly where Ethan got his costumes. “I mean it’s not like Ringworld costumes are in big demand or anything,” he muttered to himself. He put on the belt with the sonic stunner and the multipurpose flashlight. He smirked as he remembered why Louis Wu had christened the ship “Lying Bastard”. It was technically unarmed and only carrying tools and utility equipment but everything including the ship itself could be used as a weapon. The least dangerous things on board had been the things shaped like guns, they were stunners that used a sonic pulse to knock people out but that was it. He added a communicator and something labeled “flycycle keys” then set out toward Willow’s.

When Willow came to the door she pouted, "I knew I should have worn a shirt under this!" Stomping one foot in a borrowed leather boot she added, "Even Buffy swore you shouldn't wear a shirt underneath." After Xander had come in she shut the door and went upstairs calling out, "Why does Xander get to wear a shirt and I don't?"

Xander had been planning to compliment her but never got the chance. He did take notice of how well the pants fit as she ran up the stairs. A short while after she went up Buffy and Cordelia came down and Xander was speechless at how good they looked.

"Lose the shirt Harris," Cordelia said. "I know you're probably pasty white and thin under there but you picked the costume so you have no excuse for not wearing it properly."

Buffy pouted at him and gave him and gave him puppy dog eyes, "Xander, if you wear a shirt under it then Willow won't wear hers properly either! This is a perfect opportunity for her to show off how good she looks. If you don't help she might just throw a sheet over it and go as a ghost. Please take off the shirt Xander." She grinned, "It's your chance to show off too! All the work you've been putting in learning martial arts to help with the vamps probably has you in good shape after a year."

Xander never really had a chance. He took off his Hawaiian shirt and then put the vest back on, "Better?"

Cordelia gave him a predatory grin, "Looks like Buffy was right for once. You did need to show that body off. I was just hoping for no shirt with eye-blindingly bad colors but this is an unexpected bonus." Then she ruined the very nice compliment by sighing, "Too bad you're still a loser. You might almost be worth a date."

Xander smirked as he fired back, "I've seen your taste in men Cor. If you don't want to date me I take that as a compliment. Now we should get going before Herr Snyder gives us detention."


	2. Chapter 2

Xander and the Lying Bastard  
Disclaimer: I do not own BTVS or Known Space

Chapter 2  
The chaos mage in his shop's backroom worked his ritual and a wave of change rolled through Sunnydale. Everyone who had bought from his shop or wore one of his costumes changed into that costume. As a case in point, Xander Harris became Louis Wu between one step and another then fell over.

“Tanj dammit!” Louis said. His outstretched hands had kept his face from meeting pavement and the leather-like impact armor had hardened as designed and kept him from injury. Then it softened back afterward and he was able to stand up.

“Finagle’s Nightmare! Where am I?” he said upon viewing the chaos in the streets. Small aliens were running about harassing people and he’d never seen any of them before. It felt like Earth gravity but he’d seen almost all of his home planet during his 200 years of life and a scene like this didn’t fit in anywhere. Not to mention he’d been aboard ship last he knew.

He pulled his stunner just in time to shoot what looked like a three-foot lizard running at him and salivating. He pulled his communicator, “Anyone read me? Ship, you out there somewhere?”

The beautiful, synthesized tones of the autopilot replied, “I am here, Captain. How may I be of assistance?”

“You could start by telling me where in Finagle’s hell I am,” Louis replied. “I don’t recognize the planet and they seem to be having an invasion today.”

“I have a gap in my memory banks but I’ll plot our location from star charts and let you know when I have it,” the A.I. replied. “I can tell you that the girls are in the same town as you so you should be able to find each other.”

“Ladies?” Louis asked through the com. “Are you seeing the same scenic vista that I am? Weird aliens of all sizes but mostly extra small?”

“I’m using the so-called digging tool,” the voice of Elizabeth, the security officer replied. “None of them like the taste of the disintegrator so far. Haven’t got the foggiest notion where we might be. Can’t be Earth but the gravity feels right so maybe the abandoned colony on Home?” She snorted, “If it’s like this a lot then I’d abandon it too.”

“First officer Allura reporting in,” came another voice. “I’m tracking your comm, Captain, and heading in your direction fast. I’ve got one of the larger ones following me and my stunner does nothing but annoy it. I hope you’ve got an appropriate welcome ready for it, as usual?”

Louis replied, “Bring it on by. I’ve got a warm reception all set.” He put the stunner away and pulled out his flashlight. It looked pretty normal but if you twisted this bit of casing this way you made the beam much more powerful and if you then twisted this other bit another way it became a high powered laser rather than a flashlight. Conversion done, he picked the communicator back up. “The rest of you sound off in order of seniority.”

“Science officer Thorson here,” came another voice. “Scanning a stunned critter yields anomalous results. Not sure if most of these things are sentient captain.”

“Just don’t get killed,” Louis replied. “We’ll come get you as soon as I’ve rid Allura of her unwanted company.”

“Understood, Captain,” she replied.

“Cargo officer reporting in,” a slightly breathless voice replied. “I’ve been carrying Mary’s delectable ass around since she managed to knock herself out. I hope you’ve got a way back to the ship or a good nearby autodoc for treating her.”

“Working on that now, Aurora,” he replied chuckling. “Stay safe until we can get to you.”

"Ship," he called out. "Start working on ways for us to get up there. Preferably without you landing and crushing any buildings but definitely within the next few hours."

"Will do, Captain," Nessus, the autopilot replied.

Louis could see Allura now. She was running flat out and the way her chest was heaving would have caught his attention if she hadn’t been screaming and terrified. The furry thing chasing her looked similar to a Kzin at first; it was larger than even a tall man, furry, and bipedal. However, it had a canine appearance rather than a feline one and seemed to lack both the intelligence and the fluid grace of a hunting Kzin. If it had been a Kzin it would have caught her but then again she’d said the stunner only annoyed it and stunners worked on kzinti just fine. He shrugged putting away all speculation on its origins, aimed his “flashlight”, and pressed the button. A beam of coherent green light speared out toward the creature. It stopped, tried to roar, and collapsed with a hole through its chest. Louis waited until Allura was completely clear then used the laser to slice the thing in half just to be safe. He was about to look for more danger when Allura ran into his arms and hugged him with hysterical strength.

He holstered the weapon and spent a minute or so stroking her hair and calming her down. She was excellent at diplomacy or trade but it was easy to see that her encounter had unnerved her. He wondered if it was because her generation had grown up with nothing but peace. Earth was a crowded paradise in the 29th century. Its eighteen billions had not known war, violence, hunger, age, or more pain than that of a stubbed toe in over a century. He was old enough to recall the times before then when Kzinti were still a threat and people wondered if there would be another war. He’d even been trained for one that never materialized back in his twenties. The last few generations didn’t even see Kzinti as threats which was probably a good thing overall but was also part of the reason most ship captains and all leaders of exploration teams were his age or older if they came from Earth. Just after she was calm enough to let go, he suddenly heard the distinctive sound of a stunner go off behind him, twice.

He whirled with his laser in hand and saw two of the little aliens laying stunned on the concrete and his cargo officer approaching; stunner in her right hand and her girlfriend Mary over her left shoulder. He wondered again how a Jinxian like her, just under five feet tall and muscled in a way you can only get from generations of adaptation to the heavy gravity of the planet Jinx, ended up with a Crashlander. Mary was, at six foot one, shorter than many of the natives of the planet named “We Made It” by the colonists who survived the crash of the first colony ship. The planet’s .8 standard gravity led to humans that were tall but thin and fragile looking even after they’d gotten used to standard gravity. He shook off the incongruity and humor of the sight and said, “Thank you. How did you find us?”

“I followed the scream,” Aurora said smiling. “I’d recognize her voice anywhere even if she’s usually shouting about port fees or excise taxes.”

Louis smiled and Allura blushed a bit, “Well thanks for watching my back. Now let’s go collect the rest while we wait for the autopilot to tell us where we are.” He frowned, “I just hope this isn’t some weird trick of the puppeteers. They got that name for a reason you know.”

Allura frowned at him, “What would they gain from that? We’re a known merchant team. If we get back home and tell what happened they’ll never be able to hire anyone except the most desperate crews.”

“And if we never get back?” Louis asked as she used her equipment to trace the remaining members of the crew.

“If we never get back they’ll have paid a lot of money to the bank of Jinx to kill us,” she replied. “I confirmed receipt of the funds before we got on this ship.”

“I’ll agree it seems unlikely but I’ve met a lot of alien species and you can’t judge them by human standards. Puppeteers are more alien than most. I don’t think anyone knows what really makes them tick.”

“So then why did you take the contract?” She asked exasperated by what she considered his paranoia. It came in handy at times on the edges of civilization but she wondered sometimes if mankind just wasn’t meant to live for centuries. All the older humans she knew were so different in outlook than her. They might look young but chat with one for a few minutes and you could tell.

He shrugged and used his stunner to drop a few more little aliens before they got close, “Because a betrayal of this magnitude really was unlikely. As far as I could tell it was a good faith offer and one hell of a lot of money. Also, it was a chance to meet a new alien species. I almost died the first time I met a Trinoc but trade with their race has been good for humanity.”

She cut him off, “You almost dying wasn’t because of the Trinoc. But we can continue this later because I’ve found everyone. Thorson and Burroughs are not together but neither is terribly far away. Who do you want to go get first?”

“Let's get our Security Officer first,” Louis said. “if nothing else she’s the best at convincing Freya Thorson to drop what she’s doing and pay attention to her surroundings. “ He lifted his communicator, “We are coming for you first Liz, then Freya. Hopefully by then, we’ll have a way to the ship.”

“Understood, Captain,” said Elizabeth Burroughs, Security Officer.

“Captain,” said the autopilot. “I believe I have a method for you to rejoin me. My sensors have located six flycycles in a park less than half a mile from your present location. Obviously, I will need to drop down from orbit for rendezvous but I can be low enough by the time you get to them and at Mach four the cycles should be faster than anything local that might chase you. Once on board, you’ll be safe and can decide what you want to do.”

“Sounds good, Nessus,” Louis said. “We’ll try that.”

They found Security Officer Burroughs with no trouble and then proceeded to Science Officer Thorson.

“But this is fascinating, Captain,” she exclaimed. “Why can’t we stay here to study this phenomenon?”

“Because it might get us killed,” said Elizabeth. “And then no one would know whatever you found out. Come on back to the ship, Freya and I’ll program the auto-chef for your favorite dessert.”

Freya’s eyes lit up, “Really? With both chocolate and caramel sauce?”

“Yup!” Liz replied. “But only if you come now and don’t argue.”

Freya Thorson put away her gear, “Okay, I’m coming.”


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
Disclaimer: I do not own BTVS or Known Space.  
Author's Note: Many thanks to Milamber and Oxnate who Beta'ed this and Lebuggycas too.

Just as they reached the park they were forced to stop to deal with an organized group. They were led by a native with an accent that Louis didn’t recognize as all Earth accents had blended together by the time he was born.

“Well, isn’t this neat?” said the dyed blonde. “Dru was right and so was I. All the Scoobies are armed tonight and I'll be amused rather than endangered. They look like they have fancy firearms rather than the good stuff and they brought snacks along.” The others behind him snickered.

Louis was confused by the comment but shrugged it off and answered, “We’d rather not fight you but we are armed and armored so surely there is easier prey out there for bandits like yourselves?”

“Well now, Droopy,” the man drawled and puffed on what looked like a cigarette made of genuine tobacco which was exceedingly rare in the 29th Century. “Why are you speaking for the group? And while we’re chatting before the ass-kicking starts, care to tell me why with a gun at your belt you’re pointing a flashlight at me? Built yourself a small sunlamp maybe?” The fake blonde shrugged and puffed more on his cigarette. “It can’t have juice for more than a few seconds at that size and I have more than just vamps in this pack anyway.”

“I speak for the group because I’m the captain,” Louis said. He saw several odd looking aliens in the group and wondered if they were immune to stunners like the furry thing. He’d rather not try to bring everyone down with the laser before they got to him and the Slaver Disintegrator was painful and deadly but slow. It would be better to scare them off if he could. “As for this flashlight, are you volunteering to let me use it on you to show what it does? It’s a bit more than a sunlamp.”

The smoker laughed harshly. “You’ll have to do better than that if you want to trap a master vamp, mate. Maybe if you let me have the brunette hiding behind you, I’ll let you go without a fight. My grand-poofter did say you forced him to go save the Slayer this June so you’ve got some balls. Still, I think me and the boys could do for you and blondie over there too. Then we get to eat all the lovelies behind you anyway.”

Louis decided that this wasn’t ending without at least some violence so he’d take out the leader and see if that made them think twice. He pressed the button the flashlight and the laser speared out. He saw the man react with incredible speed to bring the leather of his duster up over his face but Louis kept the beam steady. What happened after made jaws drop on his whole team though. The man caught fire and turned to ash in a heartbeat or two.

“What the Finagle was that?” Louis shouted.

There was no answer for him but about half the opposing group disappeared. The rest charged but stunners worked on most of them and the laser worked on the rest. Louis grabbed his communicator, “Nessus, did your sensors catch that?”

“Yes sir,” the A.I. replied. “I have no explanation for it. If I were flesh and blood I think I’d have fainted by now. I’m at 30,000 feet and dropping. Your flycycles should be able to maintain breathable air up to this point and again they should be faster than anything the locals can chase you with. Come on up and take over, please. I want to retreat into a nice, relaxing simulation until this is all over.”

Louis snorted, “I suppose this is what we get from allowing the puppeteers program you?”

“I assure you, sir,” the A.I. responded. “Any rational mind would be doing the same.”

Louis switched off his comm, “Well no reason to wait for the next bunch of bandits. Let’s get back to ship and put an invulnerable hull between us and this mayhem.”

They rushed to their cycles, shot up into the air, and got on board the ship with no problems. Once aboard Louis headed straight for the bridge and Nessus gladly relinquished command. Louis took the ship back up and hid behind the moon. Then he deployed, manually because the A.I. was hiding in a virtual reality simulation, all the sensors and set them to scan the system and track everything. The systems weren’t truly intelligent on their own but they could be set to alert him if anyone was traveling towards the ship or entered the system. He also set them to recording any communications they could intercept so that the A.I. could translate when it got over its hissy fit. Then sighed, stretched, and went to get in bed with his wife Allura. He was hoping things would make more sense when he woke up.

The ship was too far from the spell for full effect when it was reversed. So instead of everything going back to normal, which would have left them dead in space, they instead received their original personalities and memories in addition to that of the people they’d dressed as and the ship and all the gear remained real.

Xander woke up being hit, unfortunately, this was nothing new to the young man and habit pulled his still mostly sleeping body into a ball and he rolled away from the next hit. The roll took him off the bed and that shook him fully awake. He sat there wondering what happened and where he was.

Cordelia who had been badly surprised to wake up naked in bed with a boy had started hitting without much prior thought. When she saw where she was now that woke her faster that a triple espresso. She’d seen lots of weirdness in the last year starting with Xander saving her from a vampire version of his best friend Jesse. Come to think of it he had literally walked through fire to rescue her from the freaks that wanted to cut her head off and use it as some Bride of Frankenstein rip off. Perhaps she shouldn't be hitting first then? Maybe she wanted to stay on his good side? Yes, that was probably a good idea. Buffy had a whole town to worry about and Willow was not a fan. She decided she should even apologize.

She stood up from the bed and walked over to where he was sitting on the floor, “I'm sorry I hit you. I was just shocked to wake up naked in a bed with someone.”

Xander looked up at her and he smiled as his eyes traveled over her. She blushed and jumped back, grabbing for the bed sheet, “Pervert! I was feeling sorry for you and you were enjoying yourself!”She huffed in annoyance and left to go into the bathroom.

“What the hell?” Xander said. Unable to make sense of Cordelia this early in what he hoped was morning Xander stood up and looked for his clothing. “I must have been slipped something at the Bronze, Not that I remember going but my head feels way too fuzzy and it doesn’t hurt enough for it to be head trauma. If I find whoever slipped me that drug I’m going to introduce them to their spleen. Or worse I’ll stick them in a room with Cordy and tell her he was the one who’s responsible for her sleeping with a loser.” He chuckled weakly at that and finding nothing on the floor but a rug and a metal circle he looked up.

The room was reasonably big but it had no windows and only one door. He heard a shower going on through the door so it wasn’t likely to lead to the outside. Then again what in his life was normal these days? “Where the hell am I?” he said out loud.

A voice answered him, “You are in your cabin Captain.” It was a clearly female voice but it was also clearly synthesized not real.

“Who are you and why call me captain?” Xander asked. “I’m not in the military.”

“I am Nessus,” the voice replied. “The artificial intelligence that runs the ship for you captain. And I am calling you captain because I want somebody to take charge and you are the closest I can find to my original captain. I want you to tell me you are Louis Wu and that this is all a bad sim you picked up on that last planet and loaded into the computer. I want you to tell me this is still the 29th Century and we are still on a trade and exploration mission to the Ringworld. I want you to come to the bridge, sit in the captain’s chair, and take over so I can have a nice, quiet, panic attack without worrying that something will happen to the ship. Can you do that for me, Captain?”

Xander winced, a sentient computer on the verge of cracking takes precedence over many things. He looked around once more and not seeing Buffy or Willow to ask he replied as calmly as he could, “Sure, I could do that if you find me some clothing.”

“Certainly captain, but wouldn’t you rather shower first?” Nessus said. He seemed to get better just knowing Xander would agree.

Xander nodded, “Well yeah, but it’s occupied and I doubt she’ll let me in the bathroom much less the shower.”

Nessus replied, “Step on the metal disc captain and I’ll send you to an unoccupied room where you can shower.”

After a wary look at the metal disc, Xander agreed. He stepped on it and was suddenly elsewhere. He felt a lot of memories trying to rise but pushed them down. After a hot shower he felt better, “Okay Nessus, how about those clothes?”

“Yes sir,” Nessus said. “You can get whatever you like through the console on the wall but in the interest of expediency I’ll send something from the cargo hold.” On the metal circle clothing appeared.

Xander picked it up. It was a green silk jumpsuit with gold dragon designs on it. He raised one eyebrow while studying it then shrugged and put it on. It wasn’t the wildest thing he ever wore after all. After he was dressed he sighed and stepped onto the metal circle, “Bridge.” He stepped off on the bridge and sat in the captain’s chair, “Ok Nessus I’m here.” As he looked around memories flooded back and he missed anything the A.I. said in reply.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
Author's Note: Congratulations to Clei and AnFan as they both guessed portions of the chapter before it was posted. Many thanks to my Betas Oxnate, Milamber, and Lebuggycas.

Once the memories settled down, Xander got up and stretched, “Well that was the kind of fun that’s not, as Buffy likes to say.” He frowned, “Hopefully she’s still Buffy inside.” He was glad he’d gone as a native of Earth because it meant his body was still the same, aside from looking adult. He was tempted to call everyone to the bridge and check to see how much they were affected but he figured he should check the sensors first. He’d set them to scan widely last night, he grinned to himself, before having amazing sex with a woman who looked just like an adult Cordelia Chase. Shaking off the pleasant memory he returned to the pilot’s chair and looked at the telltales. Seeing one blinking red he lost all trace of humor and started checking to see what danger was threatening this time. Slowly at first but with increasing confidence, he checked all the many sensors and found it was the mass sensor and deep radar that tripped the alarm.

There was a ten-mile wide asteroid on a collision course with Earth. It wasn’t going to hit for a long time but it was definitely going to hit. It should be dealt with before it got much closer. Especially since dealing with it after the astronomers on Earth found out about it would mean they’d become known to at least one government. That might start a panic. In fact, he should go over the records collected from the planet to see if anyone noticed the ship leaving orbit. Hopefully, the magic of Sunnydale syndrome had shielded their departure but he couldn’t be sure. He coaxed Nessus out of hiding to scan for mentions of the ship and was relieved when it found none.

“I should warn you that I only sampled transmissions in the clear,” Nessus said. “If you want to be really certain I’ll need time to break all the encryption methods and even then there are standalone systems that can’t be accessed from here. There also remains the possibility that the low tech I’m detecting is a facade and...”

Xander cut it off, “It’s no facade. The general tech level is twentieth century. I’m sure there are pockets of research that go past that and many of the poorer countries may have less but you won’t find anything that is even close to advanced as you are. You can start working on breaking encryption and listening for mentions of either us or the asteroid but first I need you to run simulations on how we can change its course so it will miss Earth using only what we have on board. I’ll get everyone thinking about it too. After we take care of the threat you can start spying to your electronic heart’s content, OK?”

“Yes, captain,” Nessus replied.

‘I’ve got to tell the others,’ Xander thought and walked to the intercom, “All hands, this is the captain speaking. Please meet me on the bridge. Something dangerous has come up and I’m looking for input on how to take care of it. That is all.”

He got five affirmative replies and then a private query from Cordelia. “Xander? Do you know where my costume’s gone? Or a way to get more clothes?”

Making sure he was no longer talking to the whole ship he replied, “If you are still in the same room there were two consoles. One for food and one for clothing, the costume is now armor and the A.I. took it for cleaning then stowed it in the hold.”

“Can you come help me work this thing?” she said. “I had to fight last night’s possession in the shower and I won but her memories are a bit jumbled just now.”

“I’ll come help if you promise not to hit me anymore,” Xander said with a slight smile.

“I already apologized for that, dweeb!” she replied. “Now come help me. I’d rather not show up naked to the meeting.”

Xander grinned, “Fun as that might be, I agree it would be too distracting so I’m on my way.”

He stepped off the transit disk and admired the view. She was facing the clothing console and tapping things at random. As he watched the machine produced a burnt orange poncho. She picked it up and looked at it in obvious distaste. As she turned to toss it in the recycling slot next to the console, Xander spoke, “If you tell me what you want I’ll show you how to produce it.”

“Makeup too?” she asked.

He nodded, “Sure.”

“Good,” she replied. She grinned, “Then I’ll pretend I didn’t notice you standing there watching my ass for a while before you said anything.”

Xander blushed and turned his eyes toward the console. She snickered and told him what she wanted. He used his memories of being Louis Wu to order exactly what she asked. When they got back to the bridge she was wearing jeans, low-heeled shoes, and a fuzzy sweater along with understated makeup. The others were dressed a bit more haphazardly.

“How did you two manage to get normal clothes?” Willow said. She was in a bathrobe and flip-flops.

Buffy added, “Well as normal as Xander ever gets.” She was wearing what looked like a uniform. It was complete with a web belt and an empty holster.

“Well I don’t know if I want to help you now,” Xander said. “Besides you look like you have it figured out, Buffy.”

Aura frowned and turned to Cordelia, “Queen C? Can you help us?” She was wearing what looked like a white leotard and it was stretched extremely tight on her. “We both just grabbed the first thing the machine produced but you look like you got it working right.”

Harmony shrugged, “I can wait. I’d rather find out the reason Xander called us all here first.” She was wearing a white sundress with daffodils on it. It was long enough, but just barely. She’d have to sit very carefully in order not to flash everyone, but she seemed unconcerned by that.

Xander nodded surprised at sense coming from Harmony, “Good idea, Harm.” He sat down and started calling up an image of the asteroid. “I had two reasons to ask you to come. The first was to see if everyone was still themselves and the second was this.” He pointed to the asteroid, “I’m not sure why we became our costumes or why there are no other previously fictional ships around but that asteroid might be the reason. It’s heading for our planet and until this ship appeared we had nothing that could stop it.”

“You don’t think it happened because Buffy is the slayer?” Willow said. She frowned, a higher power taking an active role in their lives was not a good thing in her mind.

Xander replied, “If it was wouldn’t she be the captain then?” He noticed Harmony and Aura look confused but not shocked and wondered what Cordelia had told them about the things that go bump in the night.

Buffy shook her head, “No. If any powers that be were taking my wishes into consideration I wouldn’t be the captain. You know me, I’m action girl. Point me at the monster and I’ll go slay it but until then I’d rather be out partying or shopping. I don’t get involved in the decision making until things are at the tactical level. Where and when to do it, and with what. Why and who I’m happy to leave to someone else. You seem to be doing a good job as captain so you can keep it.”

Xander blinked at that and looked at Willow but was again surprised when Harmony spoke, “That’s why you became the Security Officer. Willow as Science Officer is easy to see. Aura is Cargo Officer because she loves getting bargains and is all about haggling whenever possible. Xander is our captain because of his leadership abilities as well as the ability to motivate and get along with all of us. It’s normally hidden but it shows through if you know how to look or see him in an emergency. Our beloved cheer captain is First Officer because she has the ability and because she has had the hots for Xander since he saved her life the first time.”

Cordelia stood up and shouted, “I have not!” Only Xander believed her though.

Aura looked at her friend, “I’ve always known you are way brighter than you act but why show off now?”

“Well part of it is that is harder to act dumb with all the new memories in my head of being a sensor expert and xeno-anthropologist,” Harmony said. “But mostly it’s because if some higher power did pick me to save Earth then it's time I stopped trying to hide my light under a bushel just to fit in with the popular kids.” She kissed Aura, “As long as I’m coming out about things should I mention anything else, dear?”

Aura blushed, “I suppose that’s fair.” Then she grinned, “What about you two? Anything to declare Willow? How about you Buffy? You two were clearly a couple last night and if we were still ourselves just from a different perspective then that means something.”

Willow blushed and stammered and Buffy got angry, “No it doesn’t mean anything!”

Cordelia nodded, “Right! Let’s find out about the asteroid and deal with that. Not gossiping about who likes whom.”

Xander nodded, “I have an idea that I think will work and the A.I. agreed it should but there are no guarantees. If anyone would rather not take the chance I can put them down at the city limits and then the rest of us can go deal with the asteroid.” He looked around, “Any takers?”

He got none and soon they were all on their way toward the asteroid. Unnoticed by them a sensor the Asgard left behind as a favor to the SGC, to alert them to Goa'uld attacks early, had been following their progress. It was just recording for now but soon it would make a transmission.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS or Known Space  
Author's Note: Many thanks to my Betas, Oxnate, and Lebuggycas.  
“Let’s go save save the planet,” Xander said. He smiled, “Just like old times in a way, huh guys?”

“Yes,” Buffy said. “But with less ickiness and clothing damage, I hope.”

Cordelia nodded, “I’m hoping for that too. I know saving the city or the planet is more important but losing outfits before I get full use out of them is one of the main drawbacks of knowing you, Buffy.”

Buffy snorted, “You should try being me.” She looked around then added quickly, “Only not really in case any cosmic powers are still listening.”

Cordelia took Aura back to her room to get her something else to wear while the others remained on the bridge.

The ship’s extremely fast reactionless drive allowed them to reach the asteroid very quickly.

“The reactionless drive on the ship is far better than any of the ones General Products ever sold humanity,” Xander said. “Do you think this is a prototype they stuck us with so we could beta test it unwillingly or have they just been keeping the good stuff to themselves previously?”

“Maybe both,” Harmony replied. “Insufficient data to speculate. At least it works and we have the fusion drive as a backup.” She continued, “We’re approaching optimum scanning distance from the asteroid, Captain. Should I open the pods and free the sensors?”

“Let me slow to a halt first,” he replied and did that. “I’m particularly interested in the chemical composition near the surface.”

“I’ll send the spectrographic analysis and deep radar to your screen as it comes in, Captain,” she replied.

He was still a bit weirded out by her but this new Harmony was certainly an improvement over the old one. He looked over to Buffy, “Anything to worry about in the vicinity, Security Officer?”

“Nothing, Captain,” Buffy said. Her scans had missed the Asgard sensor due to its small size, distance, and active stealth.

Once Xander looked at the composition of the asteroid he smiled, “I was hoping for that. If we use the reactionless drive to hold us motionless relative to the asteroid. Then we can use the fusion drive to start this pocket of gases burning and effectively turn this thing into a rocket firing sideways.”

Willow grinned, “Brilliant Xan! Let me just do the math and make sure it will be enough thrust.” She worked on her console for five or so minutes then leaned back and relaxed, “It should be more than enough thrust to make it miss Earth entirely! We just need to drill right here.”

“Drill?” Xander asked.

“Well, yeah. Otherwise, well, have you ever seen a Ground Flower on the 4th of July? They’re a type of firework where the burning gases make the thing just spin around and around on the ground. The sparks kinda make a flower pattern, hence the name.”

“What does that have to do with the asteroid?” Xander asked.

“Well, we’re trying to turn this thing into a rocket and have it push itself away from Earth. But if we don't drill a hole down to the gas pocket, we could create a… sky flower. It’ll burn but it will just spin in space and not really go anywhere. Or it’ll just explode.”

“I’m not liking this ‘explode’ idea.” the AI piped up. “Let’s not do that one.”

“Pft.” Willow waved her hand away. “Wouldn’t even scratch your paint, Nessy. But it would also leave a hefty chunk of rock behind. My numbers say it would only decrease the chance of hitting Earth by 50%. If we drill this right, then it’s guaranteed.

“Alright,” Xander said. “One planet rescue coming up.” He keyed the ship’s intercom, “Attention all hands. We are about to execute Plan A. There should be no effects inside the ship but be ready for anything just in case. That is all.”

Hearing no response he turned to Harmony, “Retract all sensors into their pods then deploy a probe with a disintegrator attached to do the drilling.”

“Aye, Captain,” she replied.

Once that was done he moved the ship to hover over the right spot on the asteroid and anchored them there with the reactionless drive. Buffy maneuvered the probe over the spot Harmony marked with a laser spot and turned it on.

Once she reached the required depth she returned the probe to the Midas. Then Xander turned the laser to full power and used it to heat the gas pocket until it boiled and started to escape through the tunnel Buffy had made.

Xander flipped the ship over until it was pointing away from the asteroid then turned on the fusion drive and the red hot exhaust flames poured out and over the frozen surface of the asteroid. The gases escaping the freshly drilled hole ignited and started producing thrust. He turned off the fusion drive and moved away on the faster reactionless drive. He opened the intercom again, “All hands hear this! The plan was successful, the asteroid is now providing its own thrust and is slowly moving into a new path that will miss Earth entirely. “Congratulations, we just saved the world!

“There will be snacks in the cafeteria to celebrate. That is all.”

He grinned and got out of his seat, “Come on! I think I can get the food machine to make pizza.”

The others followed him to the cafeteria and soon Cordelia and Aura joined them. Aura was now wearing a similar outfit to Cordelia. “You want to be next, Harm?” Cordelia asked.

“Thanks but I’m good,” she replied. “Aura can show me what you showed her later if I need it but I think I’ve got most of the other me’s memories sorted so it shouldn’t be much trouble for me.”

While the Scoobies and Cordettes were celebrating another briefing was occurring under Cheyenne Mountain in Stargate Command.

General Hammond said, “Alright Major Carter we’re all here and the projector is set up, what’s been going on out in space?”

Samantha Carter stood and nodded to an airman who dimmed the lights, “Well sir, this image,” she flashed a picture of an icy ball of rock, “is an asteroid that no one paid much attention to until recently. It is ten miles wide and most of the ice on is so dirty that it doesn’t reflect much sunlight making it hard to see even with a good telescope. What changed is that suddenly this happened.” The next image was the same rock with what looked like a flame coming from the side.

Everyone looked at her and Gen. Hammond asked, “Do we know what happened and better yet why it happened?”

She smiled, “Yes sir we do. A while back the Asgard left a stealth sensor in the outer system to alert them should anyone attempt to break the treaty. However because they like us they gave us, well me, the codes to activate it and initiate downloads from it. When I heard about this from one of my astronomy friends last night I started the download. After looking through it I found two remarkable things.”

“Well, don’t keep us in suspense, Carter,” Colonel Jack O’Neill said. “What are they?”

She said, “First that asteroid had been on a collision course for Earth and because of its size it would have been difficult to make it miss us unless we spotted it pretty soon and that wouldn't have been unlikely. It won’t hit now because that flame you see? That’s a large pocket of flammable gases that are thrusting it off course. According to the data from the sensor and my calculations, it should now miss us by a comfortable margin.”

“So somebody saved us,” Hammond said.

“Yes sir,” she replied. “And the sensor got video of them in action.” She started a video image of a ship shaped like a triangle with a mostly transparent cylinder in the center and wide wings on either side filling out the triangle shape.

The ship flashed up too fast for the eye to track then stopped dead. Pods all over the craft opened and things poked out. Sam started talking again, “The ship was moving at great speed with no detectable exhaust and then it slowed to a stop without a turnover. That’s one serious propulsion system and if the inhabitants are even remotely like us they must have some sort of inertial compensator.”

Daniel nodded, “Otherwise they be turned to jam every time they stopped or started.”

Sam nodded, “Right. Those things coming out of the pods are probably sensors of some kind. The Asgard sensor detected all sorts of scans coming from it, including some sort of neutrino scan.” She sped up the video and then started it playing again as the sensors were retracted and the pods closed, “After some minutes they retract their sensors and move to a spot over the asteroid and go motionless relative to it.”

The video showed the gas jet starting to escape then the ship flipping over so the fusion exhaust can ignite the gases, “The Asgard sensor wasn’t in place to see what happened, but it looks like they drilled a tube to a gas pocket and ignited it. They then held position until it was burning on its own, then left as fast as they came.”

“They left the solar system?” Jack asked.

“No,” Sam replied. “They’re still here. Using the Asgard sensor I tracked them to a crater on the far side of the moon. Interestingly enough they don’t show up on anything else. And I’ve looked, sir.”

Jack whistled, “I bet you have. So we have a bunch of good Samaritans hanging around and keeping their good deed under wraps. Any ideas who they might be?” He looked at Teal’c.

Teal’c said, “I have never seen or heard of such a ship among the Goa’uld.”

Sam said, “I’ve sent this to both the Asgard and the Tok’Ra to see if they recognize it. Neither has responded yet but it hasn’t been long.”

Daniel said, “I think I saw writing of some sort on the ship but I can’t be sure. Can you blow up the picture a bit larger? The first one when they’d just appeared?”

“I think so, Daniel,” she replied. When magnified the image definitely had some sort of writing on it.

“It looks almost like an Earth language but it's none I’m familiar with,” Daniel said. “Could it be that one of the groups of Terrans displaced by the Goa’uld, or someone else, has managed to create this and find their way back to Earth?”

They others thought about that and eventually Jack said, “It's possible, I guess, and I can see them saving us if they did find us but wouldn’t they say something if that was the case? Y’know, something like 'Hi! We’re your cousins from another planet. Want some big honking space guns?”

"That might actually be why they haven't," Daniel said. "They might be worried about cultural interference." He pushed his glasses higher, "We have plenty of examples in our history of what happens when a high-tech culture meets a much lower one, and it is rarely good."

Jack said, "I dunno Daniel. It's not like we're savages or anything. We've met several superior races now and we're okay."

Daniel nodded, "I think we could handle it too. At least if we did it through Stargate Command. But they don't know that."

Sam started nodding, "So if we managed to convince them we could handle it they might trade with us."

Hammond said, "Do we know if they were just passing through and spotted us or if it's possible they've been here awhile watching over us?"

"I think it's pretty clear they were just passing through sir," Carter replied. "That ship is a freighter with cargo on board. It was originally bound for somewhere else and the trip was either paused or canceled entirely by their discovery of us."

"Okay Carter," Jack said. "I'll bite. How can we convince them?"

"Well I'm sure if they knew we've spotted them and have traded with other planets before they'd at least talk to us," she said. "I'm not sure if we'll get any of their current cargo but if we have stuff they want I'm sure they'll be back to trade with us even if they don't sell us anything on this trip."

"And how can we tell them that?" Jack asked.

She grinned, "Well we can either use the Asgard sensor to target a more normal communication from one of the NASA probes on Mars or in the asteroid belt. Or we can use the Asgard probe itself. Although that might allow them to finally spot it."

"Well we don't want them to do that," the general said. "Not only do we want to keep that a secret but the Asgard might become annoyed and stop allowing us to use their equipment as freely."

"Yes sir," Sam said. "I'll use a normal probe for the contact." She looked over at Daniel, "Want to help me construct the hello?"

Daniel smiled, "Sure! It should be interesting and if they answer back, that would be fascinating. I wonder if I'll recognize any part of their spoken language."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
Disclaimer: I do not own BTVS or the Known Space series.  
Many thanks to Oxnate and Cassy.  
Hammond got permission from the President to open negotiations with the ship. Normally it would be the State Dept. but considering the circumstances and that all purchases or sales would go through Stargate Command it made sense not to involve them. They could be brought in later if the aliens were going to be signing any treaties or other long-term commitments.

Xander woke up in bed with Cordelia again and this time also with a massive hangover. He wondered how his parents could do this so often if this was how one felt afterward. Then he wondered how he’d gotten drunk and he realized that he had used the memories in his head to decide what was safe to drink and Louis’ idea of “the soft stuff” and his were not the same. That clear, bubbly stuff must have been alcoholic. The next thing he wondered was if the ship had any good hangover remedies. As he tried to slowly get out of bed without waking Cordelia he wondered whether she’d kill him or just start hitting him again.

Once he’d made it to the bathroom and very quietly shut the door he whispered, “Nessus? Do you have a hangover remedy you could send here?”

“No sir,” the A.I. replied quietly. “You’ll need the food machine to produce one.”

Xander sighed, “It’ll have to wait a bit then. I don’t suppose there is a stepping disc in here? So I can leave before she wakes up and be showered and dressed before the inevitable argument.”

“Sorry Captain,” the A.I. replied. “The nearest one is in the bedroom proper. It’s the one you used yesterday.”

Xander nodded carefully then took a shower and did the rest of his morning routine. Afterward, he was feeling better. So he decided he’d sneak out of the bathroom and use the stepping disc to the same empty room then grab a hangover remedy and get dressed. 

As he was sneaking across the rug though he heard a harsh whisper, “Planning on sneaking off on me a second time? Is this what I have to look forward to in the future? You getting me drunk, using me for sex, and then sneaking off before I wake?”

“No Cordy,” Xander replied with a sigh as he straightened up and turned to face her. “I was going to come back once I’d gotten dressed and grabbed two of the hangover remedy Nessus mentioned. I thought it might make things a bit smoother when you woke up.”

“I’d love to believe that Xander but how can I know you mean it?” Cordelia said. “I’d wish for telepathy but I know how badly that went for Buffy.” She glared then winced, “Make two of those hangover remedies here then start your explanations with what the hell were we drinking last night?”

Xander faced the food synthesizer unit and softly asked for, “Hangover remedy, two.” The machine produced two vials of liquid and he brought them both over and let her pick one. He drank the other and started explaining that he hadn’t recognized any of the drinks last night so went with his memories of being Louis Wu and they had steered him wrong. “Apparently in the twenty-ninth century drinks can contain a wide variety of things other than alcohol. The one I picked and we drank had only alcohol so Louis thought of them as “soft” and that fooled me into thinking it was a “soft drink” as in soda.” His eyes widened, “I wonder what the others drank?”

She groaned, “I am getting sick of the fracking 29th century!”

“I apologize First Officer,” the A.I. said. “Going forward would you like me to label the glass or bottle with a list of ingredients?”

“Yes,” she said. Then she added, “Any side effects of this hangover cure?’

“None, ma’am,” Nessus replied. “None of my medicines should have any effect beyond the ones they are designed for. It is partly this that led to the wider recreational use of non-medicinal drugs. I have made note of your request and dispensed liquids will be labeled with ingredients with any potentially mood or mind-altering ingredients in bold.”

“What about foods?” Xander asked. 

“Foods are substantially the same as in your time,” Nessus replied.

Xander groaned, “That word substantially makes me nervous. If it differs in any way from anything you find a record of in the data you are pulling from the Earth as it is now then mention it as it is requested and definitely before any of it is consumed.”

“Yes, Captain,” Nessus said. “I will do so.”

“Are any of the others ill?” Xander asked.

“No, Captain,” Nessus replied.

“Do you know what they drank?” he asked.

Nessus replied, “An analysis of orders placed during the party shows the drinks the others consumed contained variously, stimulants, aphrodisiacs, and one diuretic.”

“So they would have been wired, horny, and needing to pee?” Cordelia said. Her hangover gone and Xander’s explanation corroborated by the A.I. she was finding some humor in the situation. Smiling, she turned to Xander, “I guess that future champagne or whatever wasn’t the worst thing you could have picked.” Then she sighed and added, “I won’t hit you for this but it doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you again. We need to separate us from the married couple whose memories we have. Once you are sure you know the difference then you can ask me out on a first date and we’ll go from there. None of this,” she paused and waved her hand at the bed, “will affect my answer and it shouldn’t affect your question. Let’s just pretend it never happened.” She stood up, “I’m going to shower. Be dressed and have some clothes out for me by the time I’m out. When I’m dressed we’ll go see how everyone else made out.”

He made the bed, put on another of those jumpsuits like he found in the cargo hold, and set out a full set of clothes for her on the bed. Not wanting to ogle as she dressed and not trusting himself in having enough willpower to look away he left a note and went to the bridge to wait for her.

“We really need to start leaving someone on duty here,” he said to no one in particular as he noticed that they had received a message in the night. 

“I expected you to watch me dress,” was the first thing Cordelia said as she joined him.

“I didn’t think I should,” he replied. “Not if we’re agreeing to forget about last night. I also think we should schedule things so somebody is always on the bridge.”

“True,” she replied. “Why bring it up now though? Did something happen?”

Xander nodded, “We received a message last night. I was just about to play it.”

Cordelia said, “Wait a bit and I’ll go see if any of the others are up to listening.” 

He nodded, “Okay, but hurry up. This might be urgent.”

She nodded and, stepping onto the disk, vanished. She returned soon with Buffy and Willow, “Xander says the ship received a message last night. We were about to play it, want to listen in?”

“Sure,” Willow said. “But where are Harmony and Aura?”

Cordelia smirked, “They were arguing about whose idea the golden shower was so I decided to leave them out of this for the time being.”

Buffy giggled at that image then sobered, “Speaking of last night what the hell did the people of the 29th-century drink?”

Nessus gave them a rundown of both what they drank last night and the other things that the people of the time drank. The ladies were shocked and enthusiastically agreed to the A.I. putting a label of all the ingredients on the container.

“I’d also like to add that anytime one of us asks for something that exists both now and in the time you come from that you give us the 20th-century version. Can you do that?”

“Yes, security officer,” Nessus replied. “I can and will.”

Then Xander played the message. A good looking blond woman in a United States Air Force uniform was saying, “People of the spaceship, I am Major Samantha Carter and I would like to thank you in the name of Earth for your help. We would like to talk to you about possible trading opportunities. You can reply on this frequency with your answer or any questions you might have for us. We may not be as technologically sophisticated as you are but we have traded with alien life forms before and may have things to trade you will find interesting or profitable. Thank you for listening and I await your reply.”

They all just sat there for a while trying to digest that speech. Eventually, Willow said, “Well we should check through the cargo to see if there is anything we would mind selling before we call her back.” If she had stopped there it would have been a wise comment but she kept going and her comment became babble. “I mean I certainly never knew the U.S. was trading with aliens but they might have some really good stuff. I’d certainly like to see what she’s got. I mean what the government has to trade not her personally because she’s too old for me, not that I like girls or anything. I mean she’s a pretty blond but I’d really like to see what they government has been buying from alien traders. Also, we could get pretty darn rich if we do the trade right and that would be nice you know?”

Xander blinked, “Breathe Willow! It was a good idea to check the cargo but if you go full-on babble mode you’re hard to understand.”

Willow blushed and took a deep breath, “Okay, so you’ll come check the cargo with me?”

“Sure,” he replied. “But we need to start having somebody on the bridge at all times and now is a good time to start. Buffy, will you stay and monitor things? If the other two show up, please play the message for them and if we get another call then let us know. We’ll be in the cargo hold.”

He turned to Cordelia, “I think you and Aura have the most experience, secondhand though it may be, with the cargo so I’d like you to come along since she’s not here.”

Cordelia nodded, “Just let me grab some coffee first. Anyone else want some?”

Everyone did so she asked Nessus for four twentieth century coffees on a tray with containers of milk, sugar, cocoa powder, cinnamon, and biscotti.

“I’ve got to admit you have lovely taste Cordelia,” Buffy said as she heard the order.

After they’d all had their refreshments three of them went to the cargo hold and Buffy decided to see if the food machine could make a good omelet.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own BTVS or Known Space  
Many thanks to Oxnate and Cassy.

The cargo hold was actually a corridor with doors leading to smaller chambers that could be customized for temperature, humidity, air pressure, etc. On the front door of each chamber was written the contents and any special conditions. As Xander, Cordelia, and Willow walked by they made a note of what was in the chamber and whether they thought it should be sold or not.

Willow read the first door, “It just says clothing.”

“Really?” Cordelia perked up. “I’m curious about 29th-century fashions.“

“Don’t you remember?” Willow asked. “I sorta remember but Freya was never any more interested in fashion than I am so it’s spotty info even compared to the rest of the partial memories.”

“I had to fight my alternate for control,” Cordelia replied. “That first morning? I almost lost and after winning there wasn’t much of her left. You probably saw some of her when I was drunk and I have a few flashes now and then but I’m mostly just me and I’ll stay that way at least as long as I’m sober. Xander, on the other hand, seems to have absorbed Louis to an alarming degree. He occasionally reacts more like Louis than Xander.”

Xander shrugged, “I don’t think I’m that different except around you. Because Louis was married to Allura it's far too easy to slip into being a couple.” He blushes, “Possibly because I was very attracted to you before.”

Cordelia raised both eyebrows but said nothing.

Willow giggled, “I thought we were both crushing on Buffy?”

“The first year after she came I was,” he replied. “After last summer and her attitude when she came back, not so much.“ He turned to Cordelia, “I always thought you were pretty but the way you dealt with learning about the things that go bump in the night impressed me. Also recently you have been showing a side I’ve never seen before while hanging us and that’s also attractive.”

“So, strong, confident girls huh?” Cordelia finally said.

Xander blushed again but nodded, “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Well, that’s going to require thought so why don’t we go deal with the cargo first and I’ll let you know when I know what I think of that.”

He nodded, “Sounds reasonable to me.” He typed a ten digit number into the electronic lock and as it opened said, “And I’ll be thinking about how much effect Louis is having on me because that was way too effortless.”

“I just hope it's not the Hyena all over again,” Willow said.

“Ugh,” Xander said. “Bite your tongue Willow! That’s a horrible thought.”

“Sorry,” she replied. 

“I heard about what you tried. Nasty,” Cordelia said. "Was that the only thing it did?"

“Well I had enhanced senses for a few weeks after as well and a brief stint of healing as fast as Buffy,” he said. He smiled, “That part was good.”

Cordelia just ignored him, opened the door and walked in. “Ugh! Now I know where you got the jumpsuit. Apparently, nobody in the future has taste.” She came out and closed the door again, “I’m voting no on the fuggly clothes.”

Xander shrugged, “If they are all like this jumpsuit then I’m voting yes. “

Willow said, “You don’t have to wear it you know. We’re just voting on whether or not to sell it.”

“They have Hawaiian shirts in there with five different colors on them!” Cordelia replied. “Selling those has to be against the Geneva convention or something.”

Willow makes a note, “Okay, so one definite no and one definite yes right?” She turned to Xander.

“Well I might want to keep some of the clothes for myself but otherwise sure,” he said. “I vote yes.”

Cordelia shudders, “Ugh! Next chamber please.”

"This one says Cosmetics," Willow said.

Cordelia looked at the door but didn't approach, "Were their tastes in makeup as bad as their clothing sense?"

"I remember there being full body makeup and easy hair color changes," Xander said.

"So unlock it so I can see if it meets my standards," Cordelia tells him.

Xander enters the code and the door unlocks, "Ladies first."

"Not bad," Cordelia said as she left. "I don't mind selling some but I want to keep some too."

Willow agrees, "I don't mind selling it either but I'd want to try a few things. How about you Xan?"

"Sure," Xander said. "We can sell it."

Willow nods and makes a note, "Okay, that's two we can sell. Next one says 'Loose gems and trade bars of gold'." Inside were diamonds, rubies, and sapphires along with small one hundred gram bars of gold. 

Willow smiled, "Sounds like the perfect thing to sell to me. We need cash more than loose gems."

Cordelia agreed, "I can get behind that. We are going to be splitting all this money evenly right?"

"Of course," Xander said. "Once we get it we split it six ways. We might need to be a little tricky to avoid the IRS noticing a sudden influx of cash but I think Giles can help with that. The watchers must do it all the time." The other two frown. 

"We'll have to watch out for that sort of thing," Cordelia said.

"I don't want to involve anyone except maybe Giles," Willow said. "Maybe I can do it all myself. I'll think about the best ways to hide our money."

"Talk to Nessus," Cordelia said. "I bet the A.I. will be able to help a lot."

"Hey, yeah," Willow smiled. "I'm sure that would help."

Xander said, "I guess this was here for trading with more primitive cultures. The civilized worlds of the time could make all of the gems artificially and mine gold from asteroid fields far more cheaply than it could be shipped over interstellar distances."

"I think you're right Xan," Willow said. "Next chamber?" she asked and the other two nodded.

"It says 'Digging Tools' so I guess it's more disintegrators," Xander said. He opened the door and saw he was right. "I dunno if we want to sell these. They don't work fast but there is no defense against them."

"Yeah but our impact armor won't block lasers either," Cordelia said. "In fact, if they want us dead we will be as soon as we leave the ship. They have snipers that can shoot us through an eye hole in our armor with the weapons they have now. Either we trust them or we don't and if we don't we shouldn't sell them anything at all and just stay on the ship until we get another offer. Maybe we can make a deal with the Watcher's Council instead."

"I don't trust the council," Xander said. "Their reaction to hearing of the prophecy at the end of last school year made it clear that they don't care if the Slayer lives or dies, as long as she takes a few vamps with her."

Willow said. "I'm with you on not trusting any Watcher but Giles."

Cordelia shrugged, "Okay, so we're selling to the military. Do we sell the disintegrators?"

"Maybe we should hold off on any of the weapons until we see what they are offering. That major did say they traded with other planets, so who knows what they have. We should offer the simple stuff first and keep the good stuff for if they have anything we really want."

Cordelia shrugged, "Sure, that sounds reasonable. I don't know what they'd have that's so good but I'll agree in principle. Xander, what do you think?"

"Well you're right about them being able to kill us anyway," Xander said. "So I guess I'm fine with selling them weapons but we should keep enough for each of us to have one each of the lasers, the stunners, and the disintegrators." The girls each agreed to that.

"I hope everyone else agrees to what we decide," Willow said.

"I'm sure Buffy will agree with us," Xander said.

"Harm and Aura will agree with me," Cordelia said. "So next chamber?"

"This chamber says it has superconducting cloth," Willow said. "I really want to keep some of that as well but I don't mind selling some. I'm sure we'll get quite a lot for it."

"I'm starting to imagine retiring to the French Riviera," Cordelia said and the others smiled at the idea. 

Xander read the next one, "Boosterspice, that's the 29th-century longevity drug. I think we'll keep this all to ourselves. If any of you don't want to live for centuries that's fine but me I'll take as long as I can get."

The other two nodded. "I agree," Cordelia said. "We'll keep this stuff just for the six of us. It's not like we won't use it all eventually."

"Alright," Willow said. "Two chambers left. One has an almost invisibly fine thread made of a single molecule that is incredibly sharp and strong. The other has the high-tech equivalent of forklifts. Slide it under something and reduce gravity until you can lift and move it with ease. Both should sell very well."

"Of course we need to remember one thing," Xander said. "We can't reproduce most of this stuff so once we sell it it's gone for good."

"That's a good point, Xander," Cordelia replied. "But you did say we could make more gems right?"

Xander nodded, "Yeah, but they can already make artificial gems and they don't sell for anywhere close to the same amount of money. When we sell the stuff stored here we need to get as much as possible because we won't get another chance at a payday on that scale."

"We'll keep that in mind," Willow said. "Let's go back to Buffy and tell her what we found. She can help us write out our reply to that major."

"Okay, hopefully, we'll find Aura and Harmony there as well by now," Cordelia said.

Xander nodded and led the way back to the bridge.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS or known Space.  
Author’s Note: Since I’ve been asked the season of SG-1 is Season Four. 

When they reached the bridge Buffy asked them a question before they could tell her anything about the cargo. “Can we, like, call Giles? He would know about any other places to, like, sell our stuff and my have suggestions about how to answer the military lady without giving away too much. And he could, you know, reassure my mom that I’m alive and stuff.”

“Calling Giles isn’t a bad idea,” Xander said. “My folks won’t care if I’m alive or dead and Will’s folks are out of town this month but yeah I forget you have a parent who gives a damn.” 

“My folks are in Europe with Harmony’s folks,” Cordelia said. “But I think Aura will want to reassure her folks too. I should go get them anyway.” She left to return shortly with Harmony and Aura.

Xander sat in the captain’s chair and said, “Nessus can we call someone on Earth without it being traced to us?”

“Certainly captain,” Nessus replied. “Who do you wish to call?”

Xander looked around at everyone and told them, “We are going to call Giles. He can advise on us going prices for things like loose gems and gold and possibly has connections that evaluate the part of the military that sent us the message. Does anyone object?”

No one did. He then asked, “Who, besides Buffy, has somebody not already here that they want to talk to and reassure?”

Aura raised her hand, “My dad. He raised me after the divorce. He’s a cool dad.”

Xander nodded, “Okay. We can have Giles let him know you’re alive and if everything goes right on this call you can call him later and Buffy can call her mom.” Then he turned in the chair to face front and said, “Nessus contact Giles discretely.” 

A phone rang on Earth and Rupert Giles answered it. “Hello? Who is this?”

“Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated,” Xander said with a grin.

Giles almost dropped the phone. He told them what he knew. A chaos mage he’d met in his youth had sold costumes that were enchanted to turn people into what they dressed as for a night. Everyone else had turned back when he’d disrupted the ritual. Those who had lived at least. Several had died, both costumed and not. He told them the names of those that went to Sunnydale High. He said that over the last few days Joyce Summers and Aura’s father, Roberto Rodriguez, had both been frantically looking for their respective daughters but found the police very unhelpful. 

Giles had told Jenny about his history with Ethan and found her understanding. He had also reluctantly reported to the Council. They told him she was already marked as dead in their books for months since another slayer was called. To compound his shock at that revelation they tell him that the new Slayer had just finished brushing up a few skills and now she and her watcher were on their way to Sunnydale. They also said that after he had briefed them about any recent developments his job there was officially ended. The group was shocked. After they’d recovered a bit they told him what had happened to them. After full explanations on both sides, Giles promised to both check up on Major Carter and contact the parents of those who asked.

After that, they were all a bit stunned. Harmony and Aura left saying they needed some alone time. Buffy looked at Willow and got a shy smile and an offered hand in answer. After they had left Cordelia glared at Xander who sighed, “I can find somewhere else to sleep. We have rooms that aren’t being used.”

She frowned, “If I agree to us comforting each other will you fucking be there when I wake up? And I mean there in the bed, not tiptoeing past on your way out.”

Xander nodded solemnly, “I will. I promise.”

“Good, because I knew a lot of the dead and I don’t want to be alone tonight but my standards are more important than a night’s comfort. Understand?”

He nodded again, “I do.”

She snorted, “I’m not asking you to marry me. At least not tonight. Just to stay in the damn bed until I’m awake.”

He gave her a halfway smile, “I can do that.” He stood up and offered her a hand. She took it and they left the bridge.

A few hours later they composed a message to Major Carter that said they were considering her offer and would be in touch. Just to keep up the fiction that they were from off planet they had Nessus send it both in Interworld and in English. 

In the SGC conference room, Dr. Jackson is briefing his team and Gen. Hammond, “You’ve all seen and heard the reply we were sent. In addition, I believe I have managed to translate some of the other language using the English repetition as a guide.”

“So you can understand them if they talk in their own tongue?” Jack asked. 

“Well not fluently of course,” Daniel replied. “But if I can record it I can decipher it fully and I can probably get the gist if they speak slowly. More importantly, the language itself offers some clues to their heritage.”

“So they’re another group stolen from Earth?” Sam asked. 

Daniel nodded, “Yes, but I’m doubting it was the Goa’uld. They apparently didn’t get enslaved and have advanced beyond our tech level in the intervening time. The language itself seems to have elements of English, Spanish, and Mandarin. All greatly changed but still recognizable if you look at it closely. That means a diverse original population whereas the Goa’uld, to my knowledge, always seeded single cultures.”

“So somebody else out there has been hijacking humans and seeding them on worlds?” Hammond asked. “Well isn’t that lovely.”

Daniel nodded, “It looks that way. And this group might have records of who did it or at least what they looked like.”

Sam nodded, “If their civilization never truly fell they might have written accounts of their forced migration. However, I doubt they’d even mention them, much less part with them until they know us much better. So let’s just keep this meeting basic. Introduction, negotiation, and if desirable a plan for future visits.”

Jack said, “Sure, but if Space Monkey can understand them when they think he can’t that’s to our advantage. Good work Daniel.”

“Thanks, Jack,” Daniel said. “And don’t worry Sam, I won’t press them for details.”

“So when do you think we’ll hear from them?” Hammond asked.

“It depends really,” Daniel shrugged. “But sometime in the next few days, I’m sure.”

Meanwhile back on the ship, Buffy was saying, "Wow. Another Slayer, that's a shock but I think I like the idea. Now if I can just get mom to leave Sunnydale I'll never have to think of the Hellmouth or vampires ever again."

Aura nodded, "Yeah. I never fought them like you guys but Cordy told us about the vamps. If I can get my dad to move I'll be happy to never set foot in the place again."

"Well we'll see what they say after Giles talks to them," Xander said. "Hey Aura, I know Buffy's mom doesn't know about the night life, does your dad?"

"No," Aura replied. "He doesn't know either."

Willow said, "I think maybe we should leave the new watcher guy a way to contact us. I mean just in case there is possible world endage happening and he could use some help?"

Buffy was nodding, "Okay, I can see that. Especially if mom won't move. If we only have to show up for the spring apocalypse and maybe not all of those? Yeah, I could live with that."

Xander nods, "Yeah, I agree too. And maybe it wouldn't be too often at all. I mean we had no training whatsoever and we kicked ass. So maybe a well trained by the book council approved Slayer and Watcher combo would work. I mean, they did it for who knows how long before Buffy came along so they have to know what they're doing right?"

"I thought you didn't trust them?" Cordelia asked. "I want time off to enjoy the money we make from selling this stuff as much the next girl but I don't want to leave the job of defending the Hellmouth to a pack of corrupt idiots. Next thing you know they'll be making deals with demons for personal gain and screwing over humanity."

"I don't trust them to deal fairly with us," Xander said. "They seem to view individual people even the slayer as expendable and give Buffy no real support. But they do seem to care about humanity as a whole. And their track record at keeping the things that go bump in the night from taking over the world is pretty good. It's bad in Sunnydale because of the Hellmouth but the rest of world? It seems pretty vamp and demon free. I admittedly haven't done any world traveling but the new people that get attracted by low property costs always seem so surprised by conditions here that I'm pretty sure Sunnydale is unique."

Harmony shrugged, "We can ask Mr. Giles his opinion of the council when he calls back and if he thinks they'd agree to call us if things go pear shaped. Because if they are as hardcore as Xander seems to think they might have rules against accepting help from outsiders, regardless of how desperate things are."

"Yeah, I think they do," Buffy said. "At first Giles was all 'tell no one' and 'we must do it alone' and all. He later decided he was wrong but I'm thinking that the other watchers must think that way still."

Willow sat, "Okay, so we wait for Giles to call back and ask him if they'd let us help. He can call us back right Nessus?"

"Yes, Science Officer Thorson," Nessus replied. "If he attempts to dial the number we used to talk to him I'll reroute it to here."

"So we just wait then?" Aura said.

"Well," Xander said. "They are things we could do. We can tell you three what we found in the cargo hold and get your opinions on what to sell and what to keep and even what to ask for in return. Do we just want to score enough money to retire before we hit eighteen? Do we want to be patriotic and help the U.S. by giving them futuristic weapons cheap? We'll probably end up doing neither but we need to decide on a middle ground. Also, do we want to go see if any of the worlds we remember visiting are there. I mean none of them would have humans on them but some of the aliens might be out there."

"Good questions all Captain," Cordelia said. "We need to settle this eventually, why not now?"


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine  
Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS or Known Space.  
Author's Note: Many thanks to Oxnate and Cassy.  
Forty-eight hours later Giles called back, “My contacts can tell me Major Carter is an honorable woman and on the right side. She’s part of something operating out of the same mountain as NORAD. I was told they paid the council quite well for something dug up in Egypt. None of my contacts know what it is she and her colleagues do exactly but their experience with the council shows them to have open minds and deep pockets.”

Xander replied, “That sounds good Giles. Did you get a chance to talk to the parents of Buffy and Aura?”

“They are quite resistant to the idea, unfortunately,” Giles replied soberly. “I think they believe me deranged by the deaths of my favorite students. They humor me but don’t truly listen. I’ll keep trying to get through to them but I fear it will not be easy.”

Buffy said, “I know how difficult it can be to get through to my mom Giles but please try your best with her and Aura’s dad. Maybe you can try showing them some actual magic?”

“Alas Buffy, I already have,” he replied, “They were together and I thought it would be the perfect time to do so.” He sighed, “They thought it was stage magic not anything supernatural and I lack the power for a truly spectacular display. Still, I have hope. If I can get in touch with Angel then I am sure he could convince them quite handily. Once they believe I will explain your situation. When I have managed to explain I will call you back at this number.”

Buffy shared a look with Aura, “I guess that will have to do Giles. How is the new Slayer doing?”

Giles replied, “She’s a bit bland, personality wise, and her English is worse than yours but I can’t say she’s not efficient. Her watcher seems to be a bit lazy. He didn’t want to leave his comforts and almost sent her on alone but the council intervened and so he had to come along. He’s currently under cover as my Assistant Librarian.” Giles sighed, “The children can’t understand his accent and he spends most of the day sleeping in the stacks but he does own even more rare tomes than I do so I imagine he’ll do fine here. Do you need anything else? Any of you?”

“No, I think we’re good for now Giles,” Buffy said, “Thanks and good luck.”

Xander added, “Watch out for everyone and don’t let the new guy get out of his share of the work you hear?”

With a smile in his voice, Giles replied, “I’ll try not to Xander.” More seriously he continued, “I’ll try to get through to your parents and let you know if I succeed. Now I’d better get off the phone, lots of filing to do if I’m to integrate his books into our present collection. Take care children.”

Nessus stated, “The call has terminated should I try to contact the Major now?”

“Not just yet Nessus,” Xander said, “We should go over our message one last time before we send it.”

They had decided to offer to meet Carter and her group out in the Mojave. It was so barren that it would be easy to spot if they brought more people than previously agreed but within driving distance from Edwards Air Force Base. They’d first offer them the clothes and cosmetics and see what was offered in return. If the first trade went well enough they’d see about offering some of the small arms like the stunners. The superconducting cloth, the monofilament, and all other stuff would not be offered until they had met the others several times and could feel certain they would be used properly.

They all agreed on the wording of the reply and Nessus sent it. After Sam received it she sent a copy to Jack and a copy to Daniel for him to check to see if the offer was the same in both languages. Daniel double-checked his understanding of Interworld by translating it before listening to the English part. “Sam? I’ve finished translating. Both offers are substantially the same.”

“Thanks, Daniel. I’ll call everyone and meet you in the conference room,” she replied.

They gathered around the table and listened to the latest message, “We are willing to trade but we do have a few conditions. We won’t sell any weapons the first time. We want to meet you in the desert at the location whose picture we are sending. Bring anything you might wish to trade. If all goes well enough we will trade with you again and perhaps answer some of the questions I know you have. Please reply within seventy-two hours.”

“Did we get the picture they mention?” Hammond asked.

“Yes sir,” Carter said, “I sent it off to the NRO to be identified. While Daniel was checking the alien language they called back. It’s in the Mojave desert, sir. Not too far from Edwards.”

“Nice flat ground,” O’Neill said, “Hard to surprise someone there. Especially if they are arriving by air.”

Sam nodded, “Yeah, I also think that’s why they picked it. Of course, it’s good for us as well being near an Air Force Base.”

“Do you have anything in mind for us to trade Major?” the general asked.

“A few things come to mind,” she replied, “But other than stolen Goa’uld tech and the few things we’ve been given by others, most of which aren’t easily replaceable, I’m not sure what we have that they might want.”

“There’s always art,” Daniel said, “Art is never exactly the same across cultures but you can appreciate art from wildly different cultures and exotic new stuff can be fashionable. If they don’t like our tech we can sell them our art and literature.”

“Daniel has a point general,” Sam said.

“Indeed,” Teal’c said, “I find Tau’ri art most enjoyable. Perhaps bring copies of various media?”

“Works for me,” Jack said, “Just don’t include any porn. We don’t want them to think we aren’t classy.”

The general snorted then nodded, “Well Major, you and Dr. Jackson have three days to both write an acceptance message and gather whatever you decide to take with you. Once you’ve got it assembled we’ll ship it and you to Edwards AFB then have a Humvee take you the rest of the way. Dismissed.”

While waiting for the SGC to reply none of the crew were idle. While five of them were making sure they were completely familiar with the controls of the lander and the ship in general Willow and Nessus were creating new identities and documentation for the crew for afterward. They would be seen by the Air Force people so they had been looking to be citizens of a foreign country so they could spend some of it without looking over their shoulder. Cordelia had been to Europe several times and recommended it. 

Researching the various European governments they discovered that some banks in Switzerland would accept bullion deposits. That is to say, you could give them gold bars and if you already had an account they’d either credit your account the value of gold that day minus a small transaction fee or just store it for you as is. It was even easier if you were a citizen and Swiss citizens could go anywhere. So between the two of them, Willow and Nessus had created Swiss identities for the six humans and started accounts for them with money stolen from various illegal accounts around the world. They all looked adult now and even Xander and Cordelia looked a little different from before so they had no problem with using their real pictures on official ID. 

“Congratulations everyone,” Willow said, “We’re all officially alive again!” She started handing out folders of paperwork, “These were produced by Nessus but should withstand any scrutiny. Everything from birth on, including school transcripts and copies of diplomas. You’ve all got at least a Bachelor’s Degree and done your mandatory time in the militia. Xander’s the captain and owner of record of a ship being built in a shipyard near Port Hercule, Monaco and we’re his crew. That way if any of us call him Captain we’re covered. We can say we’ve sailed with him before. For the same reason, he’s listed as being married to Cordelia.”

“So I own half the yacht?” Cordelia said. 

Willow smirked, “You own half of everything he has. You two have a joint account and your Platinum Credit Suisse card gets paid from that account monthly. Everyone has the same deal actually. The cards should be in your folders and they are all unlimited.”

Aura frowned, “If we, or at least you, can do this then why do we need to sell anything?”

“She makes a good point,” Buffy said, “If all this is iron clad, can’t be seen through, stuff then why do we need to sell anything? Furthermore, what’s stopping us from going down to Sunnydale and talking to people?”

Willow shrugged, “Well we decided to sell stuff before I saw how much I could accomplish with the help of a 29th century A.I. If you’d rather not then we can do that too. I’ll go along with whatever the rest of you want. As far as I’m concerned you and Xander are my family Buffy. I don’t have any ties holding me there. And as for visiting Sunnydale, as long as we don’t get arrested for entering the country illegally or something, nothing’s stopping us. And even then we could land somewhere in Switzerland and take a plane to California and be there all legal and everything.”

Xander said, “Well we promised the Air Force lady we’d sell her something and I’m not sure how she found us here on the moon so let's not make her mad without good reason okay? We don’t have to sell anything but clothes but we should show up for the first meeting at least. If you want to visit Sunny D before or after that’s fine. You and Aura don’t even have to be there when we sell the stuff.”

Aura’s eyes gleamed, “Hey, yeah! I could try to convince my dad in person now. I am shorter and wider now but not different enough to fool my own dad I hope.”

“Let’s hope Sunnydale Syndrome works in our favor then,” Cordelia said, “I could do with a day off this boat myself. So are we flying in from Geneva to L.A. then driving or just dropping down outside the city and hoping nobody notices?”


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10  
Xander and the Lying Bastard   
Disclaimer: See previous chapters.  
Author's Note: Thanks to Lebuugycas and Oxnate for being Beta.

They eventually decided that they would land in Switzerland first to drop off Buffy and Aura. The ladies would then fly to Sunnydale to meet their folks while the rest of the group made a more visible landing in the desert to meet the major and her colleagues. 

“Nessus are you sure the lander can’t be detected from Earth?” Xander asked.

“As positive as I can be without knowing exactly how she found us, Captain,” the artificial intelligence replied, “The lander can’t be piloted by me which I consider a serious flaw but it does have stealth capabilities as well as armor and weapons. The cycles would be noticed even by normal 20th-century sensors and they’ve already spotted the main ship so it’s the most logical vehicle to use and it seats six.”

Cordelia appeared on the bridge’s stepping disk. “All the cosmetics we’re trading and the ugly clothes are loaded up,” she said, “Except the for the ones ugly enough that you personally kept them to wear. Are you ready to go or are you still messing around?”

She was in the full coverage black armor they’d found stored in the hangar with the lander and the flycycles. It had a reflective helmet hiding her face but fit well enough that he could tell who it was anyway. Those curves were branded into his memory now, he’d recognize them anywhere.

Cordelia snorted, “If you’re done ogling put your helmet on and get your butt over here.”

Xander blushed and put his helmet on, he didn’t say anything as he knew she wasn’t really upset and trying to apologize would just provoke more teasing. When she left he stepped on the disk and reappeared in the hangar. He boarded the ship and sat in the pilot’s seat next to Cordelia. All of them except Buffy and Aura were in the armor, “Everyone buckled in?”

“We’re all secure Captain,” Willow’s voice came from within one set of armor.

“Alright then, here we go,” Xander tapped into his memories of Louis and lifted the ship. Once outside the ship he engaged all stealth equipment and flew towards Earth. “First stop Zurich. They have the busiest airport in Switzerland according to Nessus. You can blend in best there. Nessus has already booked you a flight, just pick up your tickets at the desk. Have you got your new passports and credit cards?”

Buffy nodded, “Yes, Captain. I mean Xander.”

“Good,” he replied, “I’ll put you down at the edge of the airport parking lot and you can walk in okay? The stealth systems should hold but they won’t stop somebody from literally bumping into us or seeing in through the open door so you should leave as soon as we land. If you have any trouble use your comms and we’ll be back asap.” He paused, “You brought your comms right?”

“Of course Xander,” Aura said, “We’re not dumb.”

“Just checking,” he said. As he flew he studied the sensors to make sure he avoided bumping into anything in orbit or flying through the atmosphere and landed. He checked for nearby onlookers then opened the door.

Buffy jumped out wearing a backpack and looked around, “All clear Aura, let’s go.”

Aura said, “Bye! Wish us luck!” Then she jumped down still amazed at how light she felt even with her backpack.

Xander called out, “Let us know when you arrive safely!” Then he shut the door and took back off as carefully as he landed.

Once in high orbit, Xander said, “Next stop the Mojave desert!”

“We’re as ready as we’re getting to meet the mysterious Air Force woman Captain,” Cordelia said, “I’ll do the trading and you can do the security. Deal?”

“Definitely a deal,” Xander said, Then after a thought he said, “Harm?”

She replied, “Yes, Captain?”

“You stay in the ship and scan for any surprises,” he told her, “Especially people coming to crash our little party.”

“Will do Captain,” she said.

“Willow?” he called.

“Yes, Xander?” she asked.

“You can operate a portable sensor right?” he asked.

“Well sure,” she replied, “I used them all the time in labs. Well, Freya did but you know what I mean. I’m sure I can scan any gold or gems to authenticate them but if you want somebody to do that why not ask the sensor expert?”

“Because scanning for possible attacks or ambushes is more important than not getting sold a fake,” he said, “If we find out later they gave us broken tech or fool’s gold then we just won’t deal them again but if we miss an ambush, well that would be a whole lot worse.”

The redhead nodded, “I see, good point.”

“And to that end,” he continued, “Cordelia? Will you switch with Harm so she can have access to the sensor suite as I fly us in?”

“No problem,” his XO replied, “I’m as attached to my butt as you are. And by that I mean we both love my ass.”

He could hear the smirk in her voice and laughed, “What can I say? When you’re right you’re right.”

Once seated at the copilot’s station Harmony strapped in and began using the ship’s sensors to plot a safe path to the rendezvous point and sent that to Xander. Once he accepted she used the sensors to scan the area around in all directions. “Nobody in the vicinity of our landing coordinates yet Captain. I’ll let you know if that changes. I’m tracking a military aircraft landing at Edwards AFB but no other military craft are in the airspace nearby. It’s probably the people we are going to meet. I’ll track them if they leave in a vehicle.” 

“Thanks,” the captain replied, “There is about four hours left until the meeting so they should have plenty of time to drive out to the spot. Any sign that we’ve been spotted by any of their sensors?”

“Checking now,” she replied. She worked quickly for some minutes then said, “No indications of anyone having picked us up and all stealth systems are functioning Captain.”

He nodded, “Thank you, please continue to check periodically.”

While the lander was passing high overhead the SG-1 team was striding off a C-130. Colonel O’Neil was talking to his second in command, “And you’re sure we got the NID decoyed?”

“Yes sir,” Major Samantha Carter replied, “They think the extra-terrestrials are coming down in Alaska. SG-4 is actually heading up to Elmendorf Base as we speak for verisimilitude.”

“You mean to make it look right,” he said.

“Yes sir,” she replied with an eye-roll. 

“Then why didn’t you just say that Carter?” He said with an eye-roll of his own, “I need small words here.”

Major Carter suppressed a sigh, wondering why he did that. He clearly was a lot brighter than he acted and wasn’t fooling any of them,” I’ll try to keep it down to one syllable sir.”

“Perfect,” he replied. “Do we have transportation arranged?”

“Yes sir,” she said and smiled. “We got cars. Cars go good.”

He looked at her a moment fighting a laugh, “Thank you, Major, but I believe I can withstand hearing a slightly more advanced report.”

She grinned in victory, “Yes sir. We have two vans and a Humvee for transport. The vans are empty, leaving space to return with trade goods and the Hummer has the GPS to find the coordinates of our rendezvous spot and secure communications. Daniel and Teal’c can drive the vans and we’ll lead the way in the car. I’ll navigate and you can drive.”

“That sounds fine Carter,” Jack said.

Meanwhile, Xander had landed and taken a look around the area on foot. When he came back Cordelia had a job for him.

“Well since our muscular heavy gravity types are on holiday you get to take the crates off the ship and arrange them to suit me,” she said with a smile.

He smiled back, “Sure.” He had half expected it and made sure the antigrav cargo handlers were on board. It still took him over an hour to get everything set up to her satisfaction. “I’m glad this armor has temperature control,” he said, “I’d be sweating by now even with antigrav to help move things.”

He had set up a table with folding chairs on both sides and their crates behind it in the order that Cordelia planned to sell them. Harmony was monitoring the area both from the lander’s sensors and from satellites she’d hacked into and giving him regular reports. When he could see their dust trail approaching he went back into the lander and pulled up the optical targeting scope for the laser to track them on the way in.

In the lead vehicle, Samantha Carter said, “We’re coming up on the target location sir. You might want to slow down a bit so we don’t cover them with a huge cloud of dust.”

Jack smiled, “That would be bad manners, wouldn’t it?” He slowed down as they approached and so was able to pick out the table easily as he neared. “Well, it looks like they were here before us Carter. Do you see any sign of a ship?”

“No sir,” she replied. “But I expect there’s one around all the same. Do you want me or Daniel to do most of the talking?” She was hoping he didn’t expect to do that himself, diplomacy wasn’t one of his strong points.

“Oh you can handle it, Carter,” O’Neil said to her relief, “They’ve proven they know English so Daniel can hide that he understands their other language and just listen.”

Carter got on the radio and filled the others in on the plan, “I’ll be doing the talking. Daniel will be next to me to pick up anything that may let slip and Teal’c, you and the Colonel will be playing muscle.”

“I understand Samantha Carter,” Teal’c replied, “We will guard your back as you negotiate.”

As soon as they stopped they got out and she started making introductions, “I’m Major Carter. We spoke earlier. With me is my boss Colonel O’Neil and our associates Daniel Jackson, and Teal’c.” She walked toward to the two seated figures wondering if they’d demand to speak to Jack instead of her. She was however pleasantly surprised.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” the armored figure on the right stood and held out a hand. “I’m the first officer of the Midas and this is Science Officer Thorson who will be authenticating your offerings. I hope that’s fine?” They had all agreed that “Lying Bastard” was not a name to inspire confidence in this scenario so the ship had been re-christened the Midas.

Carter nodded, “That’s fine. Dr. Jackson and I will authenticate things for our side.” She noticed two chairs on the near side of the table and sat down, “So what do you have to offer?”

“Just clothes and cosmetics this time,” Cordelia said, “So I’m glad I’ll be talking to another woman. I’d take off this helmet so you can see my face but if I do I won’t have any climate control and the captain picked a very warm spot to meet.”

Sam smiled, “He certainly did! I notice he isn’t here himself.”

A chuckle came from inside the armor, “Oh, he is. He’s just out of sight. He’s making sure nobody will interrupt us.”

“Your camouflage is very good,” Carter replied. “Any chance of you selling that technology?”

“Maybe eventually,” Cordelia replied. “For now how would like dyes that work on skin or hair, last for months, and look natural if you want them too?”

Carter smiled, “Those would come in handy but I doubt I could explain paying much for them.”

Daniel, sitting next to her, said, “Well that depends, Sam. If we could analyze the chemistry well enough to reproduce them that might be worth quite a bit.”

Carter nods, “True. How about a demonstration?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” Cordy replied, “If you’ll consent to hold out your hand I’ll do your nails.”

“Never mind then,” Carter said. She was unwilling to be a guinea pig and realized the armored woman across from her wasn’t going to bare a hand.

Cordelia was rolling her eyes inside her helmet. On the radio, she sent, “Next time let me pick the spot doofus. If this wasn’t a desert I could take off my helmet and gloves.”

Xander sent back, “It’s not that hot out Cordy. It’s November so it's only around 80 degrees.”

Cordelia looked at the guns the four were wearing then vetoed that idea. She did have another, however. “Well this armor could stand a makeover I guess,” she said. She removed a small dye sprayer from her belt, “I guess it’s time to accessorize.” She pointed it at her other gloved hand and triggered it. Soon both armored hands had red nails. Cordelia extended her hands, “There. What do you think?”

Sam was impressed. The polish or whatever had dried in the time it took to do both hands and was both smooth and vibrant, “How well does it wear?”

“The polish should last until removed,” Cordelia told her, “The skin and hair dyes fade after a few months unless you remove them sooner. I’d demonstrate them as well but they wouldn’t work very well on this surface.”

Sam nodded, “Maybe next time we can meet somewhere cooler so you can demonstrate better.”

“Possibly,” the armored woman replied, “Are you interested in this or should I go open a crate of clothing?”

“Can I take a sample?” Sam asked.

“Of course,” Cordelia replied. She handed over the small sprayer she’d used already. “Take this with my compliments.”

Willow spoke for the first time, “Do you have any samples for us? Or anything you want to sell?” Over the radio, she asked Harmony to check the S-shaped weapons on their belts since they weren’t normal looking.

Sam looked over at Daniel and he held out a tablet with an image of the Mona Lisa so that they could see it, “We thought it best to start with art and literature. This is an electronic device that holds copies of some of our best.” He extended it toward Willow, “You can have this as an example. If you wanted the originals or more of the same we’d need to negotiate for that.”

Willow took it with a hidden smile but Cordelia was unhappy, “Maybe next time you can bring jewelry, local fashions, or alien tech for us to analyze?”

“Be nice,” Willow said, “This is fascinating. The cultural legacy of the planet. I’m eager to see what they thought worth putting on here. Have you given one of these to any of the aliens you trade with?”

Xander echoed Willow’s exhortation to be nice over the radio so Cordelia just folded her arms and sat silently, waiting for the meeting to be over.

“Well no,” Daniel said, “We haven’t. Since you are human even if not from Earth we figured you’d get more out of it than any alien species.”

Willow nodded, “That makes sense.” Over the radio, she said, “I’m about to lay a red herring. Stop me if I start to babble. “Of course we probably do come from here originally. We are the same species after all and we know we came from elsewhere even if we don’t have any good records of it.” The air force people seemed to swallow that completely and she smiled inside her helmet. 

“Maybe we can discuss that more next time?” Carter asked, “Hopefully in more comfortable surroundings.”

Cordelia nodded, “We’ll be in touch.”


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11  
As she watched them drive off Cordelia asked, "Why did we let them take that crate of clothes again? They only gave us one tablet."

Xander answered as he was folding up the table, "Well the first reason is that that tablet contains images of the world's best art. Once we connect it to Nessus he can reproduce any of it for our enjoyment, both the art and the literature. Either as a hologram or, with sufficient time and resources, a true physical copy. Ever wanted to hang the Mona Lisa in your bedroom? Now you can! You can have a bookshelf with a Gutenberg Bible and the notebooks of Da Vinci on it too. It's more of a gift that it looks at first."

Her eyes widened, "Oh wow. And here I thought you just didn't want to carry it back in."

He chuckled, "Nope! I was sweetening the pot. Although that dye and sprayer is a better gift that it looks too. If they can fully reverse engineer it, they can make camouflage paint that will stay on through both desert sandstorms and jungle humidity. Of course, since you didn't give them the removal compound you pretty much guaranteed us a future sale and next time we can ask for more than cultural wealth."

"Ooh! I'm even smarter than I thought!" Cordelia chirped happily as she climbed back into the lander. "I forgive you for picking a desert as our first contact spot."

Xander chuckled as everyone buckled into their seats inside the lander. As they lifted off he said, "You know that may come back to bite us. If they think this is too hot for us they may suggest we meet them in Alaska or something."

"Ugh!" she said, "I hope not."

"So are we headed back to orbit or straight over to Sunnydale?" Harmony asked, "I'm still picking up no signs that anyone can see us and I've found us a lane of clear airspace all the way to Kingman's Bluff."

"Good question," Xander said, "Let's give Buffy and Aura a little more time first then call to see how they're doing. Remember they took a plane from Geneva. They may not even be on the ground yet. We'll head to a geostationary orbit over Sunnydale and wait for them to call or until they've had time to at least settle in and talk to Giles."

The others agreed and the invisible ship moved to a position some twenty-three thousand miles over Sunnydale, California.

In the Humvee, as it is driving away Jack asked, "Okay so how did we do? And what's in that crate anyway?'

From the trailing truck, Teal'c stated, "I will go see, O'Neill." Shortly he stated, "It appears to be shirts. They are of the type you told me is called Hawaiian."

"So we gave them the finest art on the planet and we got Hawaiian shirts in trade?" Jack snorts. "I vote we keep Kinsey from hearing about this if possible."

Sam smiled, "If he does come asking you can point out that what we gave cost us nothing and built up goodwill while we got three things in return."

"Three?" the colonel asked.

"The clothes, the dye, and the sprayer," she said, "If this dye does last as long as they said then it's worth the trip by itself. If we can analyze it and make more of course but this isn't alien tech sir. It was made by humans for humans so we should have no trouble reproducing it. Analyzing it might also lead chemists to other discoveries. The sprayer also might give us new ideas. Heck, even the shirts can tell us something."

Jack said, "And by us you mean Daniel?"

Sam smiled, "Yes sir, well mostly anyway."

"The chemists might want to see these too," Daniel said, "I'm not sure what fabric some of these are made of."

Jack chuckled, "So they're polyester Hawaiian shirts?"

"We don't know that Jack," Daniel said.

"I'll bet you a steak dinner they are," Jack said, "It might be nothing made on Earth but it'll be some sort of polyester."

Daniel replied, "I'll take that bet. If you want to know what I think of them as an anthropologist, then they are a lot like us. The patterns differ but if you put these shirts in a store I doubt anybody would notice anything odd about them. Not just from looking at them anyway.”

“That fits with the conversation I had with the ship’s XO,” Carter said, “I hope they like our offering enough to call us back. I’m sure they’d make great trading partners and even better allies.”

“That camouflage was pretty sweet,” Jack agreed. “If their offense is as good I’d love to have them as allies.”

Up in orbit Cordelia was looking through the tablet computer and planning how to redecorate her room in the ship when Buffy called in for pickup. Xander piloted the ship down to a secluded spot outside the city and Buffy and Aura got in.

“It turns out I was being way optimistic about Sunnydale Syndrome,” Buffy said as the lander took off back toward the ship, “As far as mom is concerned her daughter is dead and I’m just some weird chick trying to scam her.”

“Same here,” Aura said, “It was depressing. It was also getting creepy because they are now together a lot. According to Giles, it started when they worked together to try and prod the police into some semblance of competency or at least into looking like they were trying. I’m not sure if it's still just that though. We had to tail them for a while before we could catch either alone.” 

Buffy nodded, “Yeah, ew old people love.” She sighed, “I offered Giles the option of coming back with us but he still feels a duty to the Watchers so he’s staying. He did say that if there is anything really big and he’s not sure the new girl can deal then he’ll call us. Hopefully, the new Watcher guy will do the same.”

Xander smiled, “Yeah, Earth’s my favorite planet. I’d hate to lose it if we could help save it.”

“So how was the flight?” Willow asked. 

Buffy and Aura both described the luxury of international first class and in return heard about the trade meeting in the desert.

Cordelia said, "Well we got a little computer thingy with high-quality images of famous art and literature for Nessus to make for us. We gave them the Xander shirts and a sample of the polish and applicator. I liked her and she was traveling with serious beefcake."

"Really?" Buffy asked. 

"Oh yeah," Cordelia replied, “There was a hot older guy who was still in great shape and a hot young guy with a metallic tattoo that made him look just pure badass. There was even a cute geeky guy." She shrugged, "If you like that type."

Buffy looked sideways at Willow, "Was the blonde as hot in person?'

Willow immediately said, "Not as hot as you." Then she blushed, "I mean how would I know?" She hid her face with her hair and blushed harder, "It's not like I was looking! I was examining the tech they gave us. It's a state of the art computer with lots of memory and an ultra high-resolution screen."

"Jealous Buffy?" Aura said.

Buffy jerked her eyes away from Willow, "Of course not! Just teasing a little. It's not like I'm dating Willow or anything." She ignored the giggling that followed.

Once back on the newly rechristened Midas they jury-rigged a connection from the tablet to Nessus and asked him to make copies of everything.

"Xander," Cordelia said, "You don't mind if I decorate the room a bit right?"

He smiled, "No, although I do hope it won't be all pink."

She made a face, "Ew! No. If I did that it would be like living inside a bottle of Pepto."

"Go ahead and decorate however you like then," he said, "I'm going to shower and put the armor away. I can use another cabin though if you need me gone right away?"

"No, I want to talk to Nessus a bit first," she said. "I'll take the bridge watch until you're finished then you can relieve me so I can get to decorating."

After they decorated their cabins they spent a day checking on the yacht being built. Cordelia did most of the talking since she was the only one who spoke more than a few words of French. After that, she and Aura showed them around their favorite parts of Europe. They visited Marseilles, St. Moritz, and Paris with Cordelia. Then Madrid, Barcelona, and the Alhambra in Granada with Aura who, it turned out, spoke fluent Spanish. Harmony hesitated when it was her turn.

“Haven’t you got any favorite places Harm?” Buffy asked.

“Yeah, kinda,” Harmony replied.

Aura squeezed her hand, “You’re entitled to pick new ones if you want, you know. Especially since you aren’t pretending to be a ditz anymore.”

Harmony smiled then, “Okay but I still have one that I’m not changing. Can we go to Euro Disney outside of Paris?” When everyone agreed her smile got much wider, “Thanks, everyone!” 

They all enjoyed that trip thoroughly. Next, the Scoobies got to pick places. They’d never been anywhere in Europe but most had at least one place they wanted to see that they hadn’t been to already. Xander picked London, Willow picked Amsterdam, and Buffy wanted to see the Brandenburg Gate and Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany.

They were resting in a hotel suite in Berlin when Nessus called Xander, “Captain, the Air Force Major wants you to call her to discuss another trade meeting. What should I tell her?”

“Tell her we’ll be in touch shortly,” Xander said then he got up and gathered everyone together, “The Air Force people want to meet again. Anyone object to this?”

Buffy shrugged, “I don’t really care. I’ll go with whatever you all decide.”

Willow nodded, “I like the idea.”

Cordelia said, “As long as you don’t get to pick the location. Also, tell her to bring something pretty next time.”

Aura and Harmony smiled at that and Harmony said, “I want to one of those snake shaped energy guns. I’m sure that Willow and I together could figure them out.”

Xander nodded, “Okay so we ask for a snakey energy gun, something pretty, and to let them pick the next spot?”

The others agreed so they went back to Geneva and from there back up to the ship. Aboard the ship Xander had Nessus record the following, “We are willing to trade again. You get to pick the location this time. We request you bring one of those snake shaped energy guns and my XO requests you bring something pretty. If you have any special requests or questions let me know. Otherwise just send us an aerial shot of where you want to meet and when. Talk to you soon I hope.” Nessus then sent that message in English and Interworld.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12  
Xander and the Lying Bastard   
Disclaimer: I am neither Joss nor Larry. I'm just playing with their toys for a bit.  
Author's Note: Many thanks to Lebuggycas and Oxnate for being Beta readers.

Chapter 12  
Daniel Jackson was grumbling as he paid for a steak dinner for four. Jack turned to him and said, “Oh come on, a bet’s a bet.” He said nothing else while they were in public but once they’d all piled into his four-door pickup truck Jack added, “I admitted I was wrong about the shirts not being worth anything so you can admit they were polyester Hawaiian shirts.”

“Have the other scientists figured out how the shirts keep themselves clean yet Sam?” Daniel asked, pointedly ignoring Jack’s comment.

“No,” she replied, “They are sure it has something to do with the way the polymer chains are woven but they’ve been unable to duplicate that to check their theories. They can reproduce the substance but the way it’s woven into fabric is still a mystery.”

Teal’c added, “The Tok’Ra seemed to be much surprised.”

Jack nodded, “Yeah, makes you wonder what else is out there that they’ve missed.”

“Well it is a big galaxy sir,” Carter said, “Speaking of reactions though, how did Kinsey take the news?”

“Well considering we told him we received indelible dyes and cloth that wears better than some armor he was happy,” Jack replied. Then with a smirk, he added, “Well as to close to happy as he ever gets when he hears from us.”

“Maybe next time we can ask them if they can make BDUs out of the same stuff,” Carter said.

“Do you have any ideas on what to trade them next?” Jack asked. 

“Well I did get their list of requirements and I do have some ideas,” she replied, “They want a zat to study though so I’m waiting to see if Gen. Hammond will okay that trade before I reply.”

“Yeah,” Jack nodded, “That’s a little above your pay grade. Or mine for that matter.”

Back in Geneva the former Scoobies and former Cordettes no longer considered themselves two separate groups. There was still occasional friction but it was individual only. The weeks they had spent visiting everyone’s favorite places in Europe while talking about what hopes they had for the future had melded them into one group. The six of them were currently sitting in their new living room watching TV. Xander and Buffy were sharing the bowl of popcorn. 

“So when do you think they’ll call back?” Cordelia asked. She was sitting on the other side of Xander from Buffy and leaning into him. The two had spent enough time alone together to decide that what they had was real and not a product of their additional memories. Talking with Harmony and Aura about how it affected their relationship had helped.

Xander had one arm around her and the other hand on the popcorn bowl, “I dunno. It’s been a week already. Maybe they had to get permission to trade those little snake guns. Maybe they are having trouble with knowing what to ask for. I know we have that problem and they know less about us than we know about the air force.”

Willow nodded from the love seat she had to herself, “I’m not sure we know as much as we think we do but yeah they know close to zero about us so it might be hard for them to decide what to ask.”

Aura was in the other love seat snuggled up to Harmony, “I think we should call back and offer some stunners in exchange for the snake shaped guns. That way they have a better idea of the trade and hopefully reply sooner. I’m curious as to what those things do myself and not knowing is making Harm crazy.”

“Crazier you mean,” Buffy said but smiled to show she was just teasing, “I’d like to know too. I can always use a good new weapon.”

Xander agreed so Nessus sent the offer. The prospect of nonlethal weapons wasn’t nearest to Jack’s heart but the DoD thought it might be ideal for military police if it could be reverse engineered and mass produced. Since it was human engineering they had hopes that it could and also that it could be passed off as the work of a defense contractor.

So SG-1 got clearance to trade a zat for a stunner and told to “cultivate” their new contacts to see what else they could get. Which meant that Carter sent a reply to the Asgard probe which, bounced to the human satellite, and from there to the Midas. Nessus received it and called Xander.

Xander answered his phone, ”Yes?”

“Captain, the air force has responded,” Nessus replied, “Shall I give you a summary or would like to come up here and watch it for yourself?” 

“I’ll come watch it,” Xander said. He turned to the others, “Who wants to come watch the Air Force’s reply with me on the bastard?”

“Call it the Midas Xander,” Cordelia said, “And yes I’ll come with you.”

Xander nodded, “Anyone else?” Nobody took him up on it so the two of them went into the backyard and, looking around to make sure nobody was nearby, got into their camouflaged shuttle and took off for the moon. Once inside the ship they took a disk to the cockpit and watched the video sent by Sam Carter.

“Where is that place she wants us to go?” Cordelia asked.

“It’s NORAD,” Nessus answered. “It’s an air force base carved into a mountain.” The AI showed them video footage it had found of the huge metal door closing.

“I vote we meet somewhere else,” Xander said, “Somewhere with less chance of there being a huge metal door between us and the outside.” He looked over at Cordelia and she nodded.

“Yeah, I have to agree. I’m not sure they mean us ill but I can’t say I’d like to be stuck behind that door either. Just because I like the woman and her taste doesn’t her bosses aren’t scum. Don’t say that though Xander. Make up some good reason to go elsewhere.”

“Me?” he asked, surprised.

“You’re the captain right?” she said, “I’ll be in our cabin fiddling with the decor. The accents could use more work. Come look when you're done.” 

Xander sighed at first, then wondered if that meant he’d be getting lucky tonight. He put that out of his brain while he tried to work out a good place to meet and a reason visitors to the planet might like to go. Then he got an idea. With a smirk on his face, he recorded the video message. Then, “Alright Nessus send that along with an Interworld translation.”

“Yes Captain,” Nessus replied, “But what if they say yes?”

Xander grinned, “You mean am I worried about us seeming too familiar with such a place? We can pass it off as experience on similar “low tech” planets. We will be fine as long as nobody who actually knows us shows up.” He smiled wider, “Actually even that might not be enough. Buffy and Aura’s folks didn’t recognize them so Willow and Harmony’s folks might have the same problem. And heaven knows my folks won’t be there so as long as the Chase family summer plans don’t include Vancouver Island we’ll be fine. If they agree. I mostly think they’ll counter with another location in the U.S.”

“Very good sir,” Nessus said, “Shall you be wanting a contraceptive too?”

“What?” Xander asked.

“Your wife asked for one when she got to the room,” Nessus explained. “Since you are going there now do you want one too?”

Xander grinned again, “No thank you Nessus, but you’ve just made my day!” With a skip in his step, he went to go meet Cordelia in their room.

“We’ve got a reply sir,” Carter said, “It’s a bit problematic though.”

“Gather up the troops then and we’ll go look at it in the conference room along with the general,” O’Neill replied.

“Yes sir,” she said.

“Well play it and we’ll go from there once we are all aware of the content,” Gen Hammond said once she told him the reply had been received.

She cued up the video and again they saw the dark haired man who called himself Captain Harris, “Hi folks! I know I said you could pick the next site but I really thought it was firmly implied that it should not be under a mountain or behind huge, hydraulic, metal doors. Bad Major! No biscuit for you!” He grinned, “As you can see we’ve been perusing the public parts of your planet’s computer network. That’s how we found out you were inviting us to NORAD. I’m going to have to decline that invite on behalf of my crew. We are still willing to trade you our sonic stunners but we now require a,” he paused, “call it a gesture of goodwill. We want to meet at the location sent and to partake of the services provided at your expense before we negotiate. My wife tells me it's the perfect way to for women to get to know each other and was very happy you have them on your planet.”

He continued, "Obviously we don't expect you to send the major by herself any more than I'd let my wife go alone. If you agree you can send all the people who were at the last meeting and I'll bring all of my crew. Since I'm assuming you'll be renting the whole place out for security reasons there should be room for the four of them and the six of us."

He grinned, "It shouldn't be too expensive for a government and it does have some plus sides for you but if you can't or won't meet there then send us your counter offer but please no more holes in the ground or military bases!"

"The message ends there sir but there was an addendum with coordinates for a resort on the west coast of Vancouver island," Major Carter said. She typed in a few things and the screen showed a set of GPS coordinates then a website for a spa resort. "There was also what seems to be an itinerary written in English." She brought that up next. "I think and Daniel agrees that they can not as yet know our language quite as well as they seem to without either an excellent linguist or a computer at least as powerful as the one we use to run the dialing mechanism for our Stargate. Of course, an interstellar merchant ship looking for new markets may well have an excellent linguist on board but an excellent computer is equally likely."

General Hammond grinned, "Well if we take them up on this latest deal then you should be able to find out which it is. They can't very well call on computer translation while getting a massage."

Jack grinned back, "Yes sir. May I suggest that we send Carter and Jackson only? I doubt they'll need backup at a spa sir."

General Hammond smiled, “Jack, I’m surprised at you. Letting your subordinates go someplace you’d rather avoid yourself?” He gestured to Teal’c, “He should stay for obvious reasons but we can say that one of you had to stay and do paperwork or something similar. You, however, should go along with the other two. I’ll have Walter see about arranging to have the place to ourselves for two days. Hopefully, they can be discreet but just in case we’ll be replacing their usual staff with Air Force people who have the requisite skills and have been cleared by AFOSI for Top Secret clearance. It won’t be ideal but at least they’ll tell us if one of them says something revealing rather than post it on Facebook.” 

He shrugged, “The service you get might not rate the full five stars but I’m sure we can find people who know how to do everything on that list. If they should happen to complain again? Well, remind them that while they may be useful trading partners there is a limit to how far we’ll go to keep them. Tell them we’ll consider them going along with a gesture of goodwill on their part.”

Jack nods, “Yes sir, I’ll do that. Why two days though?”

“I doubt that whole itinerary can be done in a day so we will allot two,” the general replied, “If you get done early then you’ll have more time to negotiate.”

Carter nodded, “Thank you, sir. I’ll get with Daniel and formulate our reply.”

Author's Note: I got the spa idea from a review and grabbed it with permission because I fell in love with the idea. So thank you HMaxMarius!


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13  
Xander and the Lying Bastard  
Disclaimer: See previous chapters.  
Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. Hope the thirteenth chapter isn't unlucky. :) Many Thanks to Oxnate and Lebuggycas for being beta readers. You can have my title when you pry it from my cold dead fingers!

Chapter 13  
Nessus received the reply from Stargate Command and called Xander, “Captain? We have a response.”

Xander said, “So where is the alternate site they are requesting?”

“Actually sir, they agreed to all your requests,” Nessus said.

“What?” Xander shouted.

Cordelia stuck her head of the bathroom, “Is everything OK out here?”

“Yeah,” Xander said, “No vamp attacks or anything but those Air Force people are nuts.”

“Okay, it can wait until I’m finished drying off then,” she said and re-closed the door. After they came back from the ship Cordelia had Xander move into the master bedroom of their house with her. They were both sure he’d get sent to sleep on the couch at some point in the future but for now, it was domestic bliss and they had also discovered that even when they were angry at each other it was still better than being alone.

Once she was done in the bathroom he explained while she was getting ready. She thought it was a great idea with one flaw, “How are we going to explain knowing English? If we try to speak nothing but Interworld we’ll likely slip up somewhere.”

“I’ll say we learned it through a machine that I do not plan to sell,” Xander said, “A merchant ship that goes looking for new markets might have one and if we only had one we wouldn’t trade it. We can say we don’t know how it works if they ask for blueprints. Or we can say it's copyrighted or something.”

“Huh,” she replied. She was sitting at a vanity table thinking and brushing her long brown hair, “I suppose that would work and it really has been too long since I’ve been to one.” She smiled, “You talked me into it. Let’s go tell the others!”

“Maybe you should finish getting dressed first?” he said gesturing at her underwear-clad form.

She snorted, “They are all girls Xan. They won’t care.”

“They are all lesbian girls remember,” he said, “They will too care.”

She giggled and he saw he’d lost the argument from the look on her face, “Well then maybe they’ll care but I’m a straight happily married woman so I won’t care. Unless you are thinking of telling what I can and can’t wear in my own home…” She trailed off on a questioning note.

Xander snorted and thought to himself, ‘Yep, I just lost the argument.’ Out loud he said, “No dear, I’m not that stupid. Let’s go explain it to them now. Unless you want me to strip to my boxers first?”

She smiled, “Up to you dear.” Then she got up and left the room.

The others were happy with the arrangement once all the angles were explained. Buffy did sigh though.

“Why the sigh?” Cordelia asked, “Worried the government will find out you dye your hair?”

“No,” Buffy said, “And this is natural as I’m sure you know by now.”

“Maybe it's natural now …” Cordelia started then smirked at Buffy’s expression, “Okay so if it's not that then why?”

“I bet they’ve replaced the staff with their people,” Buffy replied, “It’s what I would do if I were them. It just won’t be the same with military people in place of the resort staff.”

Cordelia’s face fell and so did Aura’s. Willow and Harmony just shrugged and Xander said, “What’s the difference? A massage is a massage right?” He later wished he’d never spoken those words as his new wife proceeded to tell him the difference, at great length. Eventually, he got away and had Nessus send a reply saying yes and hoping it would be a fun experience for both parties.

On the day of the meeting, the SG-1 team got there an hour early and double checked the place.

“Why do they need so many different rooms again?” O’Neill asked.

“You’ll find out soon sir,” Carter replied.

“So any idea when they are getting here?” he asked.

“Should be any minute now sir,” she said.

"So tell me again why I’m pretending Dr. Frasier is my wife?” Daniel asked.

Jack answered, “Well we needed the doc’s opinion on these people and whether they are as human as they seem but she wasn’t there when we first met them. We needed a reason for her to be here and a reason for Teal’c to stay away so we decided to kill two birds with one stone. T isn’t here because he’s not fond of the whole spa day thing and your wife really wanted to go so she’s taking his place. Simple.”

“So why me and not you?” Daniel asked.

“Blame Carter for that,” Jack said with a shrug.

“You just have that married look,” Sam said. “Jack doesn’t.”

Janet Frasier smirked at that explanation and wondered if either guy was really buying it. Then she decided to put Daniel on the defensive, “Are you saying I’m not acceptable as even a pretend wife? Do I not meet your standards or something? I mean I’ve heard your wife was a great beauty …”

Daniel got flustered and interrupted her as she had hoped, “I’m not saying that Janet. I’m sure a lot of men would love to be your husband. I’m just saying that I’m not sure I can pretend to be an affectionate husband with someone who is just a colleague. The sort of husband who would bring his wife with him here just so she could get a few days at a spa in would be more demonstrative than I’m comfortable with.”

Dr. Frasier smiled, “Well just because we’re saying I’m your wife doesn’t mean you can’t also say I’m the team doctor. I will be asking questions that will give that away most likely. We can just say you are killing two birds with one stone. Say you wanted to bring a doctor in case anything here disagrees with them and figured they wouldn’t mind if she was also your wife.”

Daniel looked like he might want to argue more but then their radios crackled to life with a warning from a lookout stating that their guests had arrived.

The four of them went to meet their guests at the front doors of the resort.

Inside the shuttle, as it came in for a landing Xander said, “Disable the camouflage when we land so as not to surprise them too much.”

Buffy nodded, “Yeah, and no armor either. I remember, Xander, but I’ll wear my guns. After all, I am the security officer. It’s expected of me. I’ll leave them in my locker if asked though.”

“Thank you, Buffy,” he replied, “That will be fine.”

Outside the spa resort about thirty yards down the rocky beach facing the Pacific Ocean they saw the ship. A door opened on the side of the ship and six people jump out. The only male was the first one out; he was wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts with bulging pockets and beach sandals. He waved to the four of them and started walking towards them.

Next out was a beautiful brunette in a sundress and high-heeled shoes. She stumbled a bit on landing but caught her balance quickly and followed behind the man slowly. The rocky ground clearly a problem for her in those shoes.

The next woman out was about five foot tall and well muscled. She was wearing what appeared to be a tight-fitting uniform of some sort complete with weapons belt. She quickly overtook the other two and looked to be the first to reach them.

“She looks military,” Jack said, “She might be the person who stayed on the ship last time.”

“Yeah,” Sam agreed. She leaned towards Jack and whispered, “We’ll have to ask her to leave her weapons at the front desk. I hope that doesn’t present a problem.”

From at least fifteen yards away Buffy smiled at them, “I won’t mind. I was planning to leave them in my locker along with my uniform but I can work with your request. Just make sure that nobody tampers with anything. They might get hurt if they do the wrong thing.”

With a sheepish look, Jack called back, “In your locker will be fine. We just didn’t want you worrying the staff.”

“You mean you haven’t replaced the original staff with your own people?” Buffy called back surprised, “When I heard where we were going I figured you would.”

Jack smiled, “We did. That’s why they’d be worried.” She smiled at that and he noticed she had almost reached the four of them. Then he looked past her at the others coming along behind her. The Captain was second and another short and muscular woman was helping both the beautiful brunette and a tall blonde make their way over the rocks while an even taller redhead brought up the rear.

Once the captain reached them he looked back and immediately went to help the woman in the sundress. Soon enough they were all assembled in front of the doors and Jack said, “Well now that we are all here let’s start the introductions.”

Xander nodded, “Sure, we have a few new people and you have swapped one.”

Jack nodded, “I’ll go first since we’re hosting. I’m Colonel Jack O’Neill.” He gestured at the others as he spoke, “Next to me is Major Samantha Carter. Next to her is Dr. Daniel Jackson Ph. D. and his wife Dr. Janet Jackson MD. She was very interested in both the spa and meeting you and Teal’c was not at all interested in a spa day so she came along in his place. I hope you don’t mind? We felt that it will be easier to keep things under wraps if it looks like we are couples enjoying the resort together to anyone who might be watching the place.”

Xander nodded, “Okay, that makes sense.” He gestured to himself, “I’m Captain Harris but please call me Xander.” Gesturing to the taller brunette, “This is my lovely wife and second in command Cordelia Harris. The blonde with the weapons is our security officer Elizabeth Burroughs. The tall redhead is her girlfriend Freya Thorson, our science officer. The tall blonde is our sensor officer, Harmony Nielsen, who is also our backup pilot and backup science officer. Last but not least we have her wife, our cargo officer Aurora Nielsen.”

They shook hands all around then entered the building. A woman and a man in beige smocks were waiting.

"If you'll follow us we'll show you to the changing rooms appropriate to your gender," the woman said and both people turned and started walking in different directions. Sam, Janet, Cordelia, Buffy, Willow, Aura, and Harmony followed the woman. Jack, Xander, and Daniel followed the man.

In the ladies locker room, Dr. Frasier was given the locker between Buffy and Sam. Buffy hung up her weapons first but as she peeled off her uniform Janet watched fascinated at the muscle definition she showed.

Buffy said, "I don't mind if you look doc as long as you don't touch. You might want to check with my girlfriend if you're going to keep staring though. She might be getting annoyed."

Janet Frasier blushed and looked away, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ogle but I've never personally seen a woman with such obviously low body fat and pronounced musculature."

Willow trying to think like Freya said, "If you want to look to satisfy your scientific curiosity then I don't object either. I'll even let you ogle me too. We grew up under two extremes of gravity. She grew up in 1.2 standard g and I grew up in 0.8 standard g." She finished putting her clothes away and with her robe over one arm walked up to stand next to Buffy, "You can see the way our bodies adapted to the different environments. Harmony was from a similar world to mine and Aura from the same planet as Buffy."

"Buffy?" Sam asked.

"It's a nickname," Buffy said.

"If you start talking science with her we will be late getting out of here," Aura said, "Let's get going and you two can chat during the massage."

Cordelia tied her robe shut, "True. So let's head out. I could really use a massage right now too."

"Really?" Sam asked.

"Oh yeah," Cordelia replied, "Finding you guys was great but stressful. This is probably where we all came from originally I don't want to mess up."

Buffy threw her robe on and nodded, "I agree. Let's get to where we're going first and then chat there."

"Fair enough," Janet said and soon everyone was ready. Leaving the room they were escorted to another room that already had the three men on massage tables.

"Alright, all you boys close your eyes until I tell you it’s okay," Cordelia said. "And no peeking, Buffy will know if you do."

Xander turned to Jack and gave an exaggerated sigh, "Sadly true, my security officer is very keen-eyed and observant." Then to Cordelia, he said, "If I'd known you were this tyrannical I would never have married you."

Cordelia giggled and said, "You had fair warning! If you were too busy staring at my cleavage to pay attention it's your own fault!"

"Argh!" Xander said with a look of comically exaggerated dismay on his face, "Colonel, we're outnumbered and our foe is ruthless. We should probably give in to their demands." He put his hands over his eyes and said, "Let this be a lesson to you colonel. The female of the species is far more ruthless than the male. At least with us, that's true. Maybe women on this planet are different? If so do you encourage immigration? What are your laws on divorce? Have you ... Ouch!" He broke off as Cordelia slapped his shoulder in passing.

Jack chuckled but said nothing.

Daniel, not as wise, opened his mouth, "It's the same here Captain. We even have a famous poem to that effect by an author named Kipling."

"You should probably let it go, Daniel," Janet said, "Or you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Err, right, sorry dear," Daniel said.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14  
Xander and the Lying Bastard  
Disclaimer: I do not own either Known Space or Buffy.  
Author’s Note: Many thanks to my Betas Oxnate and Lebuggycas.

Chapter 14  
After the massages started Willow asked, “So Janet, you had questions?”

Janet’s cheeks colored faintly, “I must apologize again for staring. But yes I do have a few. Did you have problems adjusting to normal gravity at first, Freya? Are you and Harmony more susceptible to broken bones? Does the high gravity of Buffy’s planet lead to any medical problems?”

Willow answered, “Well to answer in order; I did have problems at first. Yes, we were but just a little; we’ve found we can minimize the effects as long as we get enough of the right vitamins and minerals in our diet. And no, not any longer but I recall there were problems for the original colonists.”

Buffy added, “Yes. Our records show that at first, we had a lot of cardiovascular disease as well as many broken bones. However, over the generations, we adapted and such things are only slightly more common now on heavy planets than on the others.”

Daniel perked up at that, “Can I ask how far back your records go? I am an anthropologist so I’m always interested in such things.”

Buffy considered then said, “Not all the way back to our origins but several centuries.”

Xander said, “So what were you wanting from us in trade for what we asked? Sorry to interrupt the conversation but if we take care of business first we can relax and chat with nothing hovering over us.”

“Are you sure you’d just rather not talk about your history?” Jack said, “I could understand that.”

“Maybe a little of that too,” Xander replied, “I don’t want to go into too much detail about us or our homes just yet.”

“I don’t see why not but you are the captain, dear,” Cordelia said.

“Did that sound like ‘I’m only obeying your order because I feel like it’ to you?” Xander asked Jack.

Jack laughed but only said, “So, we are authorized to offer you a zat’nik’kel, one of those little S-shaped guns for one of your stunners. Sound good?”

“Sounds good. As for the rest the little woman,” Xander winced as Cordelia punched him, “That is to say my XO generally handles haggling. I do the piloting, the paperwork, and oversee everything.”

“Did that sound like ‘I mostly sit on my ass’ to you?” Cordelia asked Sam.

“Don’t forget saving your ass,” Willow said, “How many times has he saved it so far?”

“With an ass like hers, how could I not save it?” Xander asked, grinning, “It’s a good partnership. She keeps us solvent and I keep us alive.”

“Could we stop talking about asses in front of company?” Harmony asked.

Freya blushed, embarrassed not for mentioning asses but because she realized that she had been a bit too quick to jump to her friend’s defense. “Sorry,” she said.

“Hey, I’m always happy to talk about Cordelia’s ass,” Xander said with a smirk.

“Speaking of pretty things,” Cordelia said, “Did you bring me some nice jewelry to add to my collection? I’m sure jewels from Earth would make quite the conversation piece back home.”

The staff seemed surprised but shrugged it off. O’Neill made a mental note to talk to them before leaving tomorrow. Just to make sure they knew exactly how high the clearance on this was.

Sam nodded, “I have some. I’ll show you after we’re done here.”

“Okay,” Cordelia replied, “I noticed a few odd looks from our masseuses so if you want to conduct the rest of the negotiations in more secure surroundings, we can. As long as my captain doesn’t get flustered by the prospect of hours of girl talk and decide we need to be business only.”

Xander snorted, “I’ve gotten used to it. Being the only male on the crew does that. You might want to consider the feelings of the other two guys before you go too far down that road though.” He turned to Jack, “How about it, Colonel? Any objection to the women making small talk?”

“None from me,” Jack said, “Daniel? Are you about to raise any objections?”

“No,” Daniel said, “I’m sure it’ll be valuable from an anthropological perspective.”

Sam asked, “Since you have such good dyes and cosmetics I’m surprised none of you have on makeup or dyed your hair.”

“I never wear makeup to a spa,” Cordelia said. “It would interfere with the facials.”

Harmony giggled, “And Xander loves her hair as is so she never dyes it and wears it long.”

Cordelia scowled at her and said, “Harmony does dye her hair. She just does it at both ends so people think she’s a natural blonde.”

That was the beginning of a long bantering session that was only mostly contained to the five women from the ship. It lasted through the exfoliation and was just winding down when a woman in a pink smock announced lunch.

Soon they were back in their robes and seated around a single large table with food in front of each of them. “Well, we’re private here until they come to fetch us for whatever is next so let’s talk a little business.”

Xander nodded, “Okay, how are you fixed for lasers? I figure maybe we can decide what we’re trading and then sit back and drink while our wives argue about how many bat schnitzels are equal to a stunner.”

“Stop acting stupid, dear,” Cordelia said, “You are so good at it, they might believe you.”

“Who’s acting?” Xander and Jack said together causing laughter from the others.

Cordelia looked at Sam, “Yours does that too?”

Sam grinned, “All the time, but nobody ever believes him.”

Jack said, “Is your wife fond of seven syllable words too?”

“Not my wife, but Freya is,” Xander replied, “She’s been hurting my brain with them since we met.”

“You’re still one up on me,” Jack said, “As well as being younger. Does that get me anything in negotiations?”

Xander grinned, “Actually I’m not younger than you, I’m older. But if you are asking me for help keeping up with a younger woman, I sympathize and I’m willing to help.”

“I thought we weren’t trading that, dear?” Cordelia said with a fake smile.

Xander grinned, “Oh, I’m not!” He turned to Jack, “This would be a gift, not part of any commercial transaction. From me to you, personally. If you give it to an analyst rather than use it you won’t get another. In fact, you might not anyway, but if you use it and want another next year I may be willing to share some of my personal stock with you.”

“What is it?” Jack asked, curious. He didn’t need any help with that and he wasn’t actually married anyway but the other man had him curious.

Xander reached into a pocket of his robes and pulled out a pill. He handed it to Jack, “Here you go. Use it in good health. It should be safe for any Terran between forty and seventy standard years old.”

Jack looked at it and put it in the pocket of his robe, “Standard years? And what happens otherwise?”

Freya answered, “Standard years are actually based on the year of Earth so that should be no problem to calculate. As to what happens if you are the wrong age? Nothing much, a few hives maybe, or sneezing and watery eyes. The pill has been made safe. The plant it comes from was a different story but we don’t have any of that with us.”

“I’ll think about it but thank you,” Jack said.

“No problem,” Xander said, “So you are trading,” he paused and carefully sounded out the word ‘zat’nik’kel’ then continued on, “some jewelry, and what else?”

“Well, what are you offering for the jewelry?” Jack said.

“I thought that was to make up for inviting us to negotiate inside a mountain.”

“Nope,” Jack said, stressing the p sound, “This whole spa nonsense was to make up for that. So what are we getting for the pretty sparklies?”

“How about gold?” Xander said. Ignoring Cordelia’s glare until he could explain he added, “We have some small bars of the stuff we brought in case we found a primitive society with something we wanted. Not that I’m saying you’re primitive mind you.”

Jack rolled his eyes, “Oh, of course not. That’s why your wife is glaring at you.”

“Thank you for not getting offended,” Cordelia said. She turned to Sam, “Since you are the one giving the jewelry I should ask you what you’d like in exchange?”

“I’d most want more technology,” Sam said. “But I’m sure Daniel would enjoy anything cultural.”

“Personally I’d like big honking space guns,” Jack said.

Xander laughed, “From the glare, Sam is giving you, I’d guess she didn’t want you to ask that.”

Jack shrugged, “Possibly, so do you have any?”

Xander said, “We are not so much with the having. Most of the weapons we have are handheld, and in fact, most aren’t even really weapons.”

“How do you figure?” Jack asked.

Xander replied, “Well aside from the stunners, they are all tools that can be used as weapons but not strictly built with military purposes in mind. We’re traders after all, not military.”

“You mean like a knife is a cutting tool, and explosives are a tool for mining or excavation?” Jack asked.

Xander smiled, “Exactly! That allows us to say our ship is completely unarmed except for stunners.”

“And they should care about your legal loophole why exactly dear?” Cordelia said.

Xander looked sheepish, “Well anyway, tools or weapons, none of them are big or honking.”

Jack nodded, “Okay, so we are getting stunners and some tech for Sam to play with in exchange for zats and jewelry?”

Xander nodded, “So far at least. We could also offer you things like a scan of the system to check for other little surprises like the rock we diverted that presumably caused you to notice us.”

“Speaking of which,” Freya/Willow interrupted. “Exactly how did you find us? I mean, no offense, but your tech level isn’t quite up to it and I’m curious.”

“It’s something we’ve got in trade,” Sam said.

Willow nodded, “That makes sense.”

“So, I’m guessing that’s not for sale then?” Xander asked.

“Nope,” Jack said.

“Fair enough,” Xander replied, “Okay, so you don’t have a need for our sensors I’m guessing. Did you enjoy the stuff we sent you last time? We have more dyes and cosmetics.”

“Why don’t we table this discussion until we are done with the spa and I can get to my locker and show Allura the jewelry I bought. Then we can have this discussion in the quarters prepared for us here.”

Xander nodded agreeably, “Sure, we all seem to be finished eating so let’s get back to the spa-ing. What’s next anyway?”

“Mud wraps,” Sam said. When she saw the look on Jack’s face she smirked and added, “It’s good for your skin. I bet you’ll enjoy it once you try it.”

Jack looked skeptical but didn’t answer as the staff filed in to remove their plates and show them back to the room for mud wraps followed by facials.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15  
Xander and the Lying Bastard  
Disclaimer: I don’t own BTVS or Niven’s Known Space  
Author’s Note: I think this will end the story. I am trying for a cleaner, smoother ending to this one than my last completed fic. I hope it works. Many thanks to Oxnate and Cassy.

Chapter 15  
After showering off the last of the mud Xander muttered, “And there’s more of this tomorrow?”

Jack replied, “It’s your own fault for requesting this.”

“It was my wife’s idea,” Xander replied, “I have trouble saying no when she really wants something.”

Daniel chuckled, “Yeah, me too.” The ladies were busy showering in their own locker room, “I guess we should find the ladies. Do you know where they are meeting us?”

“Mine are probably up in their rooms,” Xander said as he tied his robe shut, “Yours might be there too.”

“Good idea,” Jack said, “Let’s get dressed and go look.”

Once dressed they found someone to escort them to the rooms they’d be staying in overnight. Following the sound of voices brought them to a room with all the ladies inside. Carter was showing Cordelia jewelry and she was deciding if she wanted it or not. Harmony and Aura were trying to give Janet a makeover while Buffy and Willow were raiding the bar and mixing drinks.

Cordelia came up and kissed Xander, “I think we’ve gotten everything we can trade for with these people. The tech base isn’t close enough to ours for them to have a chance at duplicating anything else. The stunners will be iffy as it is.”

Jack looked over at Carter, “Carter?” One word was enough to ask at least three questions of his XO.

“Unfortunately true sir,” she said, “They have a few ideas on how we can all benefit each other further though.” Willow giggled then and Sam blushed, “I recommend you hear Allura out and pass her suggestion up the chain sir.”

“What about my suggestion?” Willow asked. She tried to duck Buffy’s swat but got hit anyway, “Ow, remember I’m fragile here.”

“You’ve gotten so perverted lately,” Buffy said.

Jack O’Neill raised an eyebrow and Cordelia, whom they knew as Allura, answered, “Willow offered to explain 29th-century physics to your XO, but only as long as she was doing jumping jacks.”

“And?” Jack asked. He knew there had to be more to it.

“And she wanted me to do them naked, sir,” Carter replied.

Xander snickered, “It’s always the quiet ones.”

“She’s not that quiet,” Buffy said.

“I’m assuming Mrs. Harris had a more practical suggestion?” Daniel said.

Sam nodded, “Yes. She wants two things primarily and both are above our pay grade. The first is to either give them U.S. citizenship or look the other way as they set themselves up with citizenship elsewhere. They intend to use Earth for R&R in between trade missions. The second is they want to trade with the aliens we got the scanner from. The one we used to find them.”

Jack blinked, “Yeah, that’s a bit more than we could agree to.” He sat down and thought for a few minutes and the rest of them waited. He turned to Xander, “Captain, are you making the requests official?”

Xander nodded, “I like naked jumping jacks as much as the next guy but I agree that we’ll need a trading partner a bit closer to our tech level. We also need a trustworthy one though, so if you say that they are a bunch of alien cheats and we shouldn’t waste our time I’ll believe you.” He shrugged, “As for the R&R, I’ve got no objections. This is a lovely planet from what I’ve seen and not nearly as crowded as the planet me and the Mrs. grew up on. So yes, I am officially making the offer of requesting both citizenship and introduction to higher tech trading partners in exchange for the theory behind the tech we have traded you and our help in finding a way to produce them with local resources.”

Jack nodded, “I’ll pass that along and we’ll get back to you.”

Cordelia said, “In the meantime, I’ve got a zat and my jewelry and you’ve got two stunners. Even if we don’t make any more trades together we’ve had a nice and profitable time together.”

“We’re not getting picked up until tomorrow afternoon,” Janet said, “Why not finish off the spa experience?”

“I like the way you think,” Harmony said, “I second that idea.”

“Well, we did promise, sir,” Carter said.

Jack nodded, “Okay, we finish up here then I go take the offer back.”

The next day after manicures, pedicures, and some hair care; the group left the spa resort and Jack took his team in for debriefing. 

After hearing him out, Hammond passed the official requests from the crew of the ship to the president and the State Department.

While waiting for an answer, SG-1 went off-world on a mission and the six crew members of the Midas went back to Europe. They checked on the status of the yacht being built in Port Hercule and otherwise just enjoyed themselves.

About six weeks later Xander and Cordelia were spending a night on the Midas. They had taken to sneaking off to the ship together whenever they felt the need to get away from the other four. The next morning Xander was on the bridge talking to Nessus while waiting for Cordelia to wake up so they could have breakfast together.

“How are you Nessus?” Xander asked. “Not getting lonely up here by yourself?”

“I’m fine, Captain,” Nessus replied, “I may not leave the area physically, but my mind is not so restricted. I talk to Freya often, especially when she is in the lab trying to replicate modern tech with the laughably outdated stuff available locally. I have sent out probes to refuel the main tanks and I’m keeping an eye out for dangers like that asteroid or invaders. I know you’ve said there aren’t any Kzinti here but there is bound to be some sort of threat, even if only the occasional pirate ship. Forewarned is forearmed, you know. In that spirit, I also monitor communications on the planet to ensure nobody is planning to harm any of you.”

“Well as long as you don’t get caught, that’s fine,” Xander said, “Just let me know if you find anything and don’t take action without consulting at least one of the crew, preferably me.”

“Of course, Captain,” Nessus said. A light on the bridge console lit just then and Nessus said, “Incoming message, Captain.”

“Play it on the main screen please,” he replied.

Jack’s face appeared on the screen, “Well your request went up the chain and did a sideways conga for a while but we finally got an answer. You are a go to meet the Asgard, the race who built the sensor that was able to find you.” He gave a lopsided grin, “The NSA said to tell you thanks for looting the accounts of several terrorists and other bad guys and to offer a deal. They promise not to prosecute you or tell Interpol and you promise not to do it again, however you did it the first time.”

Xander chuckled, “Tell him we agree to both and to call us when he has a time and place to meet these aliens.” 

When Cordelia woke up he told her over breakfast and she smirked at the NSA message, “They can’t prove anything. Of course, we aren’t planning on doing it again anyway so why not agree? It makes us look cooperative and takes no effort on our part. If we find ourselves needing more money, we can make it legally. It might even be fun.”

Xander smiled back, “I’m glad you agree. I’ll tell the others when we get back. Like you said, it won’t take any effort or sacrifice on any of our parts as we weren’t planning to do it again anyway.” 

When they told the others they were of the same mind. “We already have as much as any of us will need,” Willow said. 

Harmony nodded, “And now we don’t have to hide. Let’s send Sam some chocolates. She was nice.” 

Aura said, “I agree, but can we be sure it’ll get to her in a reasonable amount of time?”

Xander grinned, “Hand it to me after you buy it and I’ll guarantee delivery.”

“What are you planning dear?” Cordelia asked.

Xander grinned wider, “You’ll see. But don’t worry, it won’t make them mad, just a little confused.”

Cordelia sighed, “Of course dear, go ahead and play your prank. Jack might even laugh, he seems to have your sense of humor.”

~~~Sometime later in Stargate Command~~~

An airman came into Sam’s office, “Uh, Major?”

“Yes, airman?” she said looking up from her desk.

“There seems to be a package for you and the colonel, ma’am,” the young man said nervously.

Sam looked at his obviously empty hands and said, “Why haven’t you brought it with you? Is it in Jack’s office?”

The airman shook his head, “No ma’am. The, uh, robot drone thingy won’t release it until you are both there. It’s waiting for you topside. The colonel is already on his way.”

“Thank you, airman,” she said and stood, “I’ll go see for myself but I think I know who sent it.” When she got to the outside she saw what looked like a cylinder with metal arms floating near Col. Jack O’Neill. “Is it from Xander, sir?” she asked.

“Yep,” he said. “I got a prerecorded message in his voice saying we both need to be here before the thing opens.”

She walked closer and Captain Harris’ voice came out of the machine, “We know now that you two aren’t actually married but we all think you make a cute couple so we are sending you this.”

The top of the cylinder opened and the mechanical arms reached inside. One handed Sam a box of chocolates labeled Frey - Chocolat Suisse Depuis 1887 the other arm handed Jack a wicker box of fresh strawberries and then a magnum of Krug NV Grande Cuvee Brut Champagne. Then the top of the cylinder closed and Xander’s voice said, “You should enjoy these together. If you don’t we might just offer a monopoly on superconductors to the first politician to find a way to get you two married for real.” The recording ended with Xander laughing maniacally and then the cylinder turned around and left.

“You don’t think he’d do that do you, sir?” Sam said.

“No, but let’s not take chances,” Jack said. “It’s no hardship to eat together. We can even invite the other “couple” to share the champagne.” He smiled, “I’m keeping the strawberries though.”

She smiled back, “I trade you for a piece of my Swiss chocolate?”

“Maybe,” he replied, “Let’s get back inside and we can negotiate.”

Epilogue

“Thank you, Xander Harris. Your Disintegrators were exactly what we needed in our fight against the Replicators. Scaled up to ship-size, they have let us make our first headway against our foe in many centuries. Here is the first part our side of our deal.” Supreme Commander Thor of the Asgard handed over a small device. “That communicator has a direct line to this ship and to me. If Earth or yourselves are ever in danger, just call and an Asgard ship will be there in minutes. And as soon as the Replicator threat is dealt with once and for all, we will place an Asgard vessel in Sol System permanently.”

“Cool. And the clones?”

“Your memories have been copied. We will update our records of your consciousness once per year or at your request if there is a threat you are about to face. Should you fall in action, new bodies will be made containing your latest imprint. Though we suggest not relying on it. Our-”

“Yeah,” Xander interrupted. “Errors have occurred. Clearly,” he hid a smirk when the alien’s face twitched at the insult. “However long it lasts will be a bonus over what we were expecting though. So it’s cool.” Just before the alien beamed away, he thought he heard him mutter something about Jack O’Neill but he couldn’t tell if it was complimentary or an insult.

Beta’s end note: Here I said I might take longer and I finish this one in one night. I might have problems. That said I need sleep.

Final Author's Note: This is a link to a beautiful drawing of the ship.   
http://news.larryniven.net/concordance/graphix/LiarAS.jpg  
Also, the Trinoc incident mentioned above did involve Louis Wu but is chronicled in the story titled, "There is a Tide".


End file.
